There is indeed a battle raging within me. It’s so hard to
find beauty, to choose joy in the midst of this adventure. I’m surrounded by
everything you would think you would need to have eyes to see and a heart to
perceive the incredible majesty of God, yet it’s in this time of solitude with
my family of love that I find it the hardest to do.
I think I can say with confidence that you can’t find beauty
and rest anywhere unless you can find it everywhere. And now I see the memory
of a dear kindred friend who can see the beauty and redemption in the midst of
an obscure location, like Panera bread, where the eye lacking sight cannot see
the restoration in the interactions, in what’s being done and said.
What freedom there is in contentment. What joy there is in
the release of resentment toward my current situation. So many would kill to
get to go on these adventures, yet it’s so terribly difficult to abide outside
of the fence of comfort I hide behind. Practicing the presence is a beautiful
treasure that you can take wherever you may be, resting in the presence of the
sovereign King, in the middle of a society that never leaves you be, even for a
moment. I beg for grace to truly see Truth. To know intimacy and perceive
reality as it is. But maybe I’m striving to much, maybe the secret is giving up
control and letting it fall, letting the beauty that’s always surrounding me
envelop my being. Maybe when I let go, then I’ll truly know what it means to be
loved. Showered by grace, by not grabbing the wheel of control, truly seeing
his face and resting in every place I come to, for then he truly becomes my
only refuge.
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