10/24/13

Wow. Wow wow wow.

Yesterday I decided to stop hating planning. I made a decision not to resent it anymore. I realized how tightly I was holding onto everything. Everything. I was scraping desperately for control and it was forcing me into a trench of worry and anxiety. So yesterday my eyes were opened. I could see that the joy and life was being sucked out of the details and preparation for my travels by my screaming desire for control in every aspect. So yesterday I decided to embrace planning. To open my clenched fists and release the shredding grip of my white knuckles.

In my hurry to get everything done, I had been turning to myself to be the source of provision, trusting myself to fit it all in and make it connect somehow. Self-sufficiency. I see through my own eyes and from my perspective only. And as I began to feel the weight of self-sufficiency absolutely crushing me, I remembered that’s supposedly not the way it’s meant to be. Trust. I lacked trust. In more ways than one. But as I made the first step of simply realizing this reality, I decided to step back and again rely on something bigger than me.  

First, time with a dear friend. I had no idea what to expect due to the time that has passed since we last saw each other. But what a refreshing breath of pure air that time was. What a beautiful woman she has become and how blessed and undeserving I am of being the friend of such a one.

Then the visa. First I didn’t have the right documents. Then the man who we thought could provide the documents in fact couldn’t. So scrambling to figure out a way to get what I needed to stay in China for a while, and seemingly being unable to do it. But with the help of some of my brothers wonderful friends, the proper documents were emailed and sent to the consulate, where they approved them and said they fit the requirements. So today. It just gets better. As Maggie and I prayed on our way, that we would be able to find the place and they’d take my card to pay for it, I remembered the sweetness of simply praying with another person. The pure beauty of trust in the midst of the said situation. So we find the building and go inside, but a hint of fear still clung, residing on the fact that I just switched banks and only possessed a temporary make-shift debit card, not seeing much hope they’d honor that card. But we waited in line and I had all the papers ready, but alas, the sign said they only took the major cards or money orders or cashier checks, but the lady, so nice, said she would check to see if it worked. And it didn’t. But as I fumbled for another option I mentioned I had cash (a blessed stash my family had given me as an early birthday present) and she said she’d take that. What a gushing relief it was to be able to pick up my visa in the right time. Amazing how it all worked out.

And on top of that, somehow there was a glitch in the system or I conquered it by some way, and it’s not the typical tourist visa, but I can actually stay longer than my brother who lives there. Not just a single entry, I can enter any number of multiple times. In face, I may have even gotten a residence permit. For China. And I was worried about being able to get a visa at all.

Now in addition, my brother informed me that I may be joining him to help film and help out in the stunning Sichuan province, where they’re restoring the Panda habitat. I don’t know if I’ll pay for my trip or if it’ll be paid for and free, but even the mere opportunity to travel and see something Justin calls breath-taking is something to stop and rejoice over. Being able to see the work of restoration in nature. A mere reflection of the restoration of mind body soul and spirit. What a beautiful reality I get to see reflected in the restoration of something to the way it used to be, living in harmony.

And even on top of that, when I got to the tiny library on my way to Judy’s to check my electronic mail, what a beautiful gift sat there waiting for my eyes to read it. It was a letter from my sister, my amazing sister, just for me. I can’t express the joy that filled me even from seeing the fact that she had taken time to write a letter. To me. And not just a quick note, but pages filled with her thoughts, her filling me in on her situation. Telling me she wants me to visit. She even has some sort of slight desire for restoration in our family. Tears swelled as I read. I love her. So much. And what she said stirred something in me. Ashamedly, I realized I had forgotten what a sweet soul she has, she cares. So much. About those who may not have what she realizes she has. Her words were music to my soul, a gift I didn’t expect. And after this, who knows what’ll happen next.

I am filled with a humility I haven’t been able to see in so long. True surrender, and look what resulted. I know this may not always be the case where everything seems to work out infinitely better than I could have ever expected as a result of trust, but what joy I have in knowing that there is a Good Provider who cares. And when I have the courage to let go, how freeing it is to watch him show me the depths of his care. Yesterday I consciously decided to stop holding on, and I cannot tell you the beauty that I’m so blessed to have found. Either that’s a whooooooole lot of luck, a huge amount of coincidence or a boatload of karma, or there really may be a higher being, a God who defines sovereignty.

Looking forward to all these trips and events, I excitedly anticipate what all will take place in the days to come.