Open blind eyes.

Conversations lately with friends have been challenging, and revealing.

Jesus.

Why do you seem so distant, so far, so detached from here. Why can I not hear or feel or sense your nearness that they always profess? Right now I confess my unbelief. My struggle to receive you as you are. You’re reality seems imaginary and as I query I’m left wondering if you’re even real. Call me a heretic, fallen away, but in the rawness of my heart, I don’t know if I can say you are who you said you are. Call me Thomas, but even he could see and feel your scars.

I want so badly to believe holistically, but something within me won’t let me see your Truth as reality. I don’t know what else I’d need to know, what more you could show to convince me. Maybe I’m just afraid of a peace, a ceasing of the tension I’ve called home for so long. If that struggle is gone, I won’t have a crutch to lean on. Without a crutch to lean on, I wouldn’t have much, nay nothing, to stand on if your claim to truth is wrong.
And that means I must trust something outside myself and that takes faith, which I haven’t felt I’ve had much of. But even so, I’m crying out. Open these blind eyes to see the reality of your being.

Jesus. I long to feel your nearness. To know your gentle touch of love as you hold me in your arms. To hear your strong voice and follow in your footprints. But that’s just it. I don’t feel that. I can’t see that. I don’t hear you. And I’m at a loss for what to do. Maybe the Truth I’m expecting is not the same as what is really true.

Jesus, I need you. Give me the grace to receive you. As you truly are.

Who?

Who do you say I am?

Now I see that’s the question I’ve been fumbling with in my clumsy hands.

Who do you say I am?

It’s the hardest one to answer and now I wrestle with whether I even can.

Who do you say I am?

Now I truly realize on this answer everything else stands. Jesus demands to know where my allegiances lie, yet I’m speechless.

I don’t have an answer, less any confidence to declare it with.

But I know the way I answer this question changes everything.
I know no matter what I say, I must stand in faith. Is Jesus who the Bible claims him to be? Or is he not?

Who do you say I am?

I’ve been living in this tension for so long, floating in this realm of indecision as time tics on, afraid to answer for fear that I could be wrong.
But in order to move forward I must choose. I must give answer or sink into the pit of despair, gasping for air as I wander and squander my life in uncertainty.

No longer is the crutch of “I don’t know enough” able to hold me up in this dark world.

For I will never know enough to be certain.

So based on what I know, I must give answer. Yet willing to continually grow in knowledge and depth of insight, humbly seeking to know Truth as it truly is.

So now, as I go, as cultures collide and crash, as my comfortable paradigm is utterly smashed, I must answer the question I’ve been asked.

So. Who do you say I am?

DVH

Today I got to talk with one of the kindest, wisest, most brilliant men I know. It was a short conversation, but completely altered my mindset going into this journey to China. After he left, I couldn't concentrate on anything except what he said. So I decided to write it down so I wouldn't forget.

Just embrace China.

Why must you stand for truth? Can it not stand on its own? Why must you put such pressure on yourself to be known as the Christ follower and make his name known? Why not just soak in what it has to offer, taking it as it is, the beauty and joy of it all. Why not let yourself live in the moment you occupy, not forcing things, yet not squandering opportunity, but treasuring each moment that goes by for what it is. Opening yourself to see. Letting it wash you of impurity and envelop with simplicity. Allowing yourself to truly receive what it has to give. Break the chains you’ve bound yourself with and simply live. Allowing the beauty and simplicity to wash over you, that being your testimony of Truth for all who choose to let themselves see. Now this is not an excuse to not bring Jesus, but in fact bringing Jesus by simply doing that. You can query and process when you get back.

What relief I have found in the words he speaks, a crushing weight of pressure lifted from my being as this journey can again be seen as an adventure. Free to live life. To simply be. To take it as it is and allow myself to see and feel the joy and fullness of it all. You’d think since it’s in ink under my skin it would sink in, but alas, with that conversation, the ink of those words seeps a little deeper, entering my veins and bringing a new life. A spark of Truth igniting a fire fueling a full life. One that I truly look forward to.

Into the Wild.

After talking with several friends, I was reminded of a night when I watched Alex Supertramp's story. Still the same longing, but changing ever so slightly as the days go by. 

5/8/13

I just want to go. Into the wild. That’s where my heart is. I long to go. To live life fully like that. No boundaries, no limits. Lucky and free. Free from the expectations that society suffocates with. My soul yearns for all that I’d learn and to have eyes to see, living lucky and free. To brave the great unknown, with nothing of my own, living from adventure to adventure. No expectations, no agenda, but meeting people who I’d otherwise never talk to. Living off the land, gaining the deep insights into the Truths of the depths of mankind. Seeking life to it’s fullest, without a plan. No fear of reputation, no limitation of career or money, but living day to day, enjoying all that is for just that. What it is.

Seeing creation thrive, watching how nature keeps alive and living alongside it, both willing to survive. The great unity and simplicity out there so entices me, I can’t keep my mind off that restoration of harmony. I know it’d eventually get lonely, but what peaceful rest there would be. Escaping the grimy claws of our culture and society, who demands and screams hat I need to be, my career defining all of me, living for more so I can simply be happy. How desperately and utterly empty that is. If that’s my life then I don’t want to live. I know there’s so much more, so let me escape to what’s in store.

Why do I have to be a young female, who’s not permitted to go and find life for herself. I must plan plan plan, but I long to let go and just trust. To love and learn. To see life by each moment, not how much I earn. I never want to be defined by the American dream, loving to increase selfish self-esteem, but I’m desperate to break free, free from the biting grips of what life ‘should be’. No, I want it as it is. Messes and all. Not sugar-coated with illusions so it’s easier to swallow.

But let me go. Please let me fly and you may just be surprised at just how high is possible. The fullness of potential. The richness that’s available.

One with the birds and the trees, needing nothing more than to simply be. Living in solidarity with the animals, walking hand in hand as we stand in the potential of life. This journey dotted with all kinds of beings can be full of beauty and joy if you’ll only let yourself see.

I never thought a movie, one man’s story, could connect so deeply with my soul. But it does. How can I be satisfied with a life of anything less than the above? Into the wild, experiencing a new side of love. So find me one ho will brave this unfavorable journey that’s so entirely worth it and let us live and KNOW what it means to live life together.

I’m convinced we’ll come back to this beauty of solidarity where we come to know and grow in depth of love for all around us.

These quiet times are all well and fine, but I know there’s so much more. Like a floodgate, a wooden door just waiting to be burst opened. And I crave that fullness like a bat to a cave and I don’t know if I can live with anything less. Reading is good and it teaches, but my heart beats for experience, knowledge that reaches the depths of who I am. I can know something but until I open my eyes to see past the inevitable disguise to embrace that thing for what it is, not what I perceive it should be, I’ll never really own it.

So release me from this leash I’m tethered to and free me to walk boldly and freely into the wild. Not living a safe life where I can predict the fortnight, but a life of reckless abandon. Lucky and free.

The wisdom and insight I’d gain is invalueable and I so long for the surreal to shake my perception of reality. To see things I never thought possible, noticing that which was previously unnoticeable, reflecting on the Truths of those who have gone before. We get so caught up in the clutter of the ‘necessities’ of life, so bogged down by the expectations of how things have always been, faking a grin to show our support of the sort of behavior that strips us of vitality, crushing our ability to really live. But I want to break free, shatter the chains binding me to a life I never wanted.

So that’s my dream. Into the wild.

10/24/13

Wow. Wow wow wow.

Yesterday I decided to stop hating planning. I made a decision not to resent it anymore. I realized how tightly I was holding onto everything. Everything. I was scraping desperately for control and it was forcing me into a trench of worry and anxiety. So yesterday my eyes were opened. I could see that the joy and life was being sucked out of the details and preparation for my travels by my screaming desire for control in every aspect. So yesterday I decided to embrace planning. To open my clenched fists and release the shredding grip of my white knuckles.

In my hurry to get everything done, I had been turning to myself to be the source of provision, trusting myself to fit it all in and make it connect somehow. Self-sufficiency. I see through my own eyes and from my perspective only. And as I began to feel the weight of self-sufficiency absolutely crushing me, I remembered that’s supposedly not the way it’s meant to be. Trust. I lacked trust. In more ways than one. But as I made the first step of simply realizing this reality, I decided to step back and again rely on something bigger than me.  

First, time with a dear friend. I had no idea what to expect due to the time that has passed since we last saw each other. But what a refreshing breath of pure air that time was. What a beautiful woman she has become and how blessed and undeserving I am of being the friend of such a one.

Then the visa. First I didn’t have the right documents. Then the man who we thought could provide the documents in fact couldn’t. So scrambling to figure out a way to get what I needed to stay in China for a while, and seemingly being unable to do it. But with the help of some of my brothers wonderful friends, the proper documents were emailed and sent to the consulate, where they approved them and said they fit the requirements. So today. It just gets better. As Maggie and I prayed on our way, that we would be able to find the place and they’d take my card to pay for it, I remembered the sweetness of simply praying with another person. The pure beauty of trust in the midst of the said situation. So we find the building and go inside, but a hint of fear still clung, residing on the fact that I just switched banks and only possessed a temporary make-shift debit card, not seeing much hope they’d honor that card. But we waited in line and I had all the papers ready, but alas, the sign said they only took the major cards or money orders or cashier checks, but the lady, so nice, said she would check to see if it worked. And it didn’t. But as I fumbled for another option I mentioned I had cash (a blessed stash my family had given me as an early birthday present) and she said she’d take that. What a gushing relief it was to be able to pick up my visa in the right time. Amazing how it all worked out.

And on top of that, somehow there was a glitch in the system or I conquered it by some way, and it’s not the typical tourist visa, but I can actually stay longer than my brother who lives there. Not just a single entry, I can enter any number of multiple times. In face, I may have even gotten a residence permit. For China. And I was worried about being able to get a visa at all.

Now in addition, my brother informed me that I may be joining him to help film and help out in the stunning Sichuan province, where they’re restoring the Panda habitat. I don’t know if I’ll pay for my trip or if it’ll be paid for and free, but even the mere opportunity to travel and see something Justin calls breath-taking is something to stop and rejoice over. Being able to see the work of restoration in nature. A mere reflection of the restoration of mind body soul and spirit. What a beautiful reality I get to see reflected in the restoration of something to the way it used to be, living in harmony.

And even on top of that, when I got to the tiny library on my way to Judy’s to check my electronic mail, what a beautiful gift sat there waiting for my eyes to read it. It was a letter from my sister, my amazing sister, just for me. I can’t express the joy that filled me even from seeing the fact that she had taken time to write a letter. To me. And not just a quick note, but pages filled with her thoughts, her filling me in on her situation. Telling me she wants me to visit. She even has some sort of slight desire for restoration in our family. Tears swelled as I read. I love her. So much. And what she said stirred something in me. Ashamedly, I realized I had forgotten what a sweet soul she has, she cares. So much. About those who may not have what she realizes she has. Her words were music to my soul, a gift I didn’t expect. And after this, who knows what’ll happen next.

I am filled with a humility I haven’t been able to see in so long. True surrender, and look what resulted. I know this may not always be the case where everything seems to work out infinitely better than I could have ever expected as a result of trust, but what joy I have in knowing that there is a Good Provider who cares. And when I have the courage to let go, how freeing it is to watch him show me the depths of his care. Yesterday I consciously decided to stop holding on, and I cannot tell you the beauty that I’m so blessed to have found. Either that’s a whooooooole lot of luck, a huge amount of coincidence or a boatload of karma, or there really may be a higher being, a God who defines sovereignty.

Looking forward to all these trips and events, I excitedly anticipate what all will take place in the days to come.