Smelling the roses

I seem to only write when I’m sad or struggling or depressed, and that’s not quite fair, because not my whole life is a test and a trial. Yes, I struggle daily, but that doesn’t mean I never smile and laugh and break away from the grasp of my intellectual mind to live freely, embracing all that is my life. There are so many good things that I neglect to see because I’m so caught up in what’s off or the things ought to be. I know the pictures on Facebook show quite an adventure, but my words seem to show a different side. I’m not trying to hide either side, so to give a fuller perspective of the adventure of life, here are a few of the favorite things of mine.

Sweet mornings where the clouds roll off the mountains as if they were going to sweep you away into the ocean of blue, lifting you off your feet and carrying you farther than the eye can see. The full moon reflecting off the water, the stars so bright, the sun setting behind the mountain, the moon on rising on the other side, the colors illuminating the sky just right. A fresh baked pastry that melts in your mouth, a refreshing frescito of mango and pineapple. Meeting someone new and understanding everything they say, or even having the courage to start a conversation anyway. Taking the long way around the university just to see if I run into anyone I may recognize or have already met. Restful nights in the house watching a movie, doing homework or going to POPS for some ice cream. Attempting to figure out the bus system with success, discovering a new spot to steal away and to rest. Going dancing (latino style) with good friends, exploring the city and surrounding towns and finding out that they are not exactly what we thought they would be. Going to a friends house, drawing buildings and sketches of houses. Eating so much good food that I don’t know what to do. Fresh juice and fresh fruit every morning. Essentially getting paid to surf and having some good friends teach me what they’ve learned on their home turf. Sitting by the water in a tree with a sweet soul, quietly reading and resting as the waves lap the sand at our feet. Wandering aimlessly just to get familiar and see what there is to see. Learning and practicing new words I learn, learning that some are fine and some are bad, learning to be cautious on who I trust to teach me stuff. Laughing about the way people here say “pizza,” then eating it 4 days in a row…..Sadly now I must go, but more will come as time goes on. Because I’m learning that nothing robs life more than a self-consumed attitude, and nothing breathes life and joy like gratitude, a right perspective, and a humble attitude centered on Truth.

Listen.

Today I stole away, sat under my favorite tree, wrote, and remembered how good it is to just listen to music and let it wash over you. When I can't seem to express myself in Spanish and my mind is fried from trying, when I'm not sure who to talk to or what I'm even thinking, I write. But I'm also learning that sometimes it's best to just stop thinking and to just be. To listen. Be still. So here are two of the songs I listened to. Two songs that breathe life and speak deeply to a soul caked with thoughts and questions and opportunities and analyzation. It's like water that softens the dirt and slowly washes it away so the soul can truly see again, and can be seen again.
Listen. Look. Learn. Let life happen. Live fully in it. Live Life. Engraved forever on my wrist, yet I forget it so quickly. These songs have a way of washing the dirt off my wrist and revealing the words that I never want to forget. The command and the object which we now possess. Washed anew by this music, I am reminded of the beauty of living.

Ocean: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6VAkOhXIsI0

Let's be still: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7kd5b8tGBM

Wash me Clean: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6DglU4Vi1CY

Growing into these shoes.

It gives a whole new perspective to foreigners at your home school. Not even just foreigners, but all who are new to the unique culture of your university. Speaking from their shoes now, because I’m currently wearing them everywhere I go (and they’re still a little big), I know and understand on a deeper level where they’re coming from and the struggles at hand for one like us. You’re stripped from all that you once leaned on for support and are reduced to a one dimensional character with no way to accurately express yourself. You’re not funny anymore, not clever, not bold, because in a new language you don’t have the grasp, the hold, that you did in your native tongue. Sometimes you don’t even understand what’s going on, you can’t even understand your new friend because they’re using words you’ve never heard before or they’re talking so fast its making your brain sore and you cannot focus. When I’m sitting in the outdoor coffee shop “reading” it’s really because I am longing to make a friend (preferably a girl) but I’m intimidated. They all seem like they have their groups, they have their friends, and they’re content with that. And how to break in is the other thing. I know not what to say or how to start a friendship since I scorn the small talk and want to dive right into the deep stuff. But that’s not how it works. And even if it did, I’m not sure I currently posses the ability or vocabulary to do so. So I sit here and watch from afar. How sweet it is when a few I recognize pass by and say hi. How much sweeter it is when they invite me to come with them, taking a tiny step into their lives. The new ones at school, yes, they appreciate when you stop when you pass them by to say hi, but what they really long for is one who will invite them into their lives. One who will include them and envelop them with love and acceptance.

I also understand on a new level why people so easily fall into the “wrong crowd..” because when you’re in a position like this, you can even become desperate for friends and you’ll take whatever you’re offered. And ironically, it’s usually the “wrong crowd” that is the most welcoming. It is them who offer a hand of friendship, maybe because they were in your position before and know it. But I understand newly.

There is a new solidarity. Instead of always looking out for me, I’m being humbled and challenged to realize that when I tear my eyes off myself there’s so much more to see. Instead of being consumed with if I’m sitting with my friends, I can slow down to see the girl who’s experiencing what I’m experiencing now, and understand at least a bit what she’s feeling. I can extend a hand of friendship and offer to help. I know that has been the most encouraging to me. When someone I meet offers to help if I ever need anything, even something as simple as offering a phone number or to eat with me makes the world of a difference.

So if nothing else, I will return with a new perspective, a deeper solidarity, with those who are in situations like me.

Romero.

How can such things exist. I don’t understand it and the fact that it’s reality enrages me. How can such injustice go unnoticed and undealt with. People stripped of their dignity and their freedom to truly live. Instead fear is drilled into their heads to the point that they can do nothing apart from that fear. And these tears well up in my eyes and threaten to cascade down my sheltered cheek, but in the end, at the end of the day, do my tears accomplish anything?

Stripped of the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Stripped of security and left completely vulnerable, caught in the midst of a war between the corruption of a government and a people of guerillas seeking their definition of justice. But either way they are caught in the middle and this fight has cost so many lives. They cannot walk down the road without the threat of death.

The stark contrast between they who govern and those who live and suffer. Those in charge who have been given the responsibility to govern a country are completely oblivious, whether by choice or not, to the reality of the people who are rotting under their nose. How the stench does not affect them, I do not know. How they can put their handkerchiefs up and pretend it’s not there, that life is a rainbow and perfectly fair causes fury to pulse through my body. It is injustices like these that ought to bring me to my knees and move me to action, but in this moment all I can say is that hearing these stories brings rage and indignation that races through my veins, filling my heart with blood that I don’t often know.

After watching that movie I must say those feelings I’ve felt have been bottled away for quite some time. While I hate the reality, part of me likes feeling those feelings of such intensity. But I hope that I do not stay the same. I hope I cannot remain the same. For I see the injustice, I see the pain, I see the hope of restoration, and I can sit by and watch things burn or I can be a part of the solution, an instrument of that healing, by the grace of God. And I pray that’s the case.

It reminds me of my brother’s song:

And we wonder and wonder why, all the white men they do is they lie

We were here first but then you told us that we should leave, it’s your Manifest destiny to cut down the trees. You had guns we had bows and you brought your disease, Took our mother earth and you just did what you please

then you just did what you please

 And they take and they take and they take every treaty they make well they break

And we wonder and wonder why, all the white men they do is they lie

The white men took all the best land and gave us the rest, then they took all of that and sent us to the west,

on a trail of heartache and death, they marched us we never could rest, on a trail of heartache and death. we solemnly marched to the west

The white men said they’d give us our freedoms, been 200 years, we still ain’t received em

 Startin to not believe them, all they talk about is their damn freedom, who was here first? we’re the natives, but defeated. Brought their filth, destroyed our garden of Eden.

Been paved over by the white demon. We call you the white demon, we call you the (I am a) white demon…

Learning.

What a contrast this is to the first week. So much has happened in so little time and it seems the days are flying by almost too fast to reach out and seize them. I don’t want to reach the end of my time here and realize that I’ve wasted it. But I am learning how I need to slow down and refocus, to rest and realize the beauty of it. It just feels empty if I’m just walking forward and not really seeing what’s all around me. These days have been so packed that it’s hard to make time to relax my mind and allow Truth to change me and I fall into this delusion that I can walk forward fully just fine by myself only to quickly fall out of it as I fall of the cliff into the abyss of self-reliance and self-deception.

As I do slow down and let this flood of thoughts out, I could sit here and write for hours, but I have class to attend and food to try from my friend who is studying to be a chef, so I must limit this to a short time, a quick reflection on a few of the things I've learned. From San Jose to Heredia, from sitting in class to zip-lining and bungee jumping, from playing soccer to going to the cine, so much has happened, and I'm learning and growing from it, even though it doesn't always feel like it. 

I’m learning not to resent gringos because they’re gringos, but to appreciate the time I have with them as much as I wish I were with Costa Ricans. They are all beautiful people and I will learn from each one if I humble myself and see them as they are, free from biased judgment of something they cannot control.  I’m learning, and failing, at being fully present in the moment, loving those I’m with by offering my full attention.

I’m learning that I don’t long to do what many long to do because I realize I’d just be doing it to say I did, not because I truly wanted to. I don’t feel a pressing need to climb a mountain or jump off into the air with only a line attached to my ankles, but if I get the opportunity, yes I’ll take, and I did, but I’m learning that I can be content with much simpler things. Sitting by the spring in the mountain just listening. Watching the sun set behind the mountains, illuminating the sky with a beautiful and powerful light of many colors. Sitting here writing what I’ve been thinking. Going to the market and watching people do their shopping thing. Yes, all these extreme things sound cool and I’d love to do them, but I’m realizing that just because other people are stoked and willing to pay a ton doesn’t mean that I have to as well. If I get the chance, with joy I will do it, but if not, I think I’ve learned to be content exploring on my own and inventing an adventure to go on. Now what’s worth the money is another question, because I haven’t figured that out yet. If life’s just about doing as much as you can, experiencing as many things as you can, then money isn’t even a part of the equation, you should just do it all. But if it’s more than that, then what.

I’m learning how shallow I can be and how disgusting it is that I’ve found myself at times deeming people worthy of my time based on their appearance. How unfair that is and how vain. Yet how beautiful it is when that twisted mindset is destroyed and only unconditional love remains.

I’ve learned that I like Latin dancing, but I don’t really know how to dance to reggae. That typical Latino dancing is incredibly fun when you’re dancing with a guy who knows what he’s doing, but how few of those guys exist.

I miss church. I miss having real conversations with people about things that matter to me. I miss people who know me well and understand me, all of my flaws and complexity. I've learned how difficult it is to cling to what I've known as Truth when it seems I'm alone in that pursuit. But I've also learned that God will provide. He will provide the people you need and the rest you need as you trust. I've learned that although I thought I was alone on this road, I'm not. There are people seeking the same thing: God himself. And we can walk together. I'm learning how I don't want to waste this time, but I want to be an instrument of righteousness, participate in redemption and restoration and healing. But can I do that when my heart is fighting to believe? Resting in the Truth of Jesus, the Light of Life, his brilliance illuminating the world, his Truth motivating and overflowing into all else. Overflow. 

I’ve learned how to listen and understand Spanish better, but I’ve also learned how to pretend I understand based on the words I do know (which is not always the best thing to do…). But I still cannot tell stories or recount some past event because the conjugations trip me up and I can’t even talk. I’ve learned that some days my Spanish seems pretty good and other days I can barely talk. I’ve learned that learning all the pachuco (ghetto-esque) words the first week in Spanish class has proved to be the biggest friend making tool I have in my pocket, or at least it gets a laugh out of those I meet.

I’ve learned a lot more and noticed a lot more, but for now that’s where I’ll leave it. And later I’ll add more.

1.15.14

In the last 3 weeks I have gone from Indiana to Chicago to the DR to Florida to San Jose, Costa Rica to Heredia, Costa Rica. So many things to process and to take in. And not sufficient time to do it. From seeing family and friends over Christmas to spending New Years with my sister to an adventure with Evalina and Maria in Santo Domingo to arriving in Costa Rica and being very disappointed with the study abroad program I chose to moving to a new university in a different province. Three guys from Point Loma who were my neighbors got robbed at gunpoint, I'm in an indoor soccer class where I am the only female (and the worst soccer player by far), and I live with the sweetest family ever. I like this new program, but it's proven difficult to make friends. It seems many of the local people here are very comfortable with the groups of friends they have and are not interested in meeting anyone new. And like I noticed with the exchange students in high school, all the Americans stick together like glue (not a fan of that either). It sheds a whole new light on students at Olivet. You begin to see with new eyes that the new girl from China who is sitting by herself "reading" is really wishing she had the courage to walk up to you and ask your name. The guy from South America who seems really friendly when you see him would really love it if you invited him to do something with your group of friends.  I will humbly admit that I've been very intimidated to meet anyone new, but this morning I realized that I had forgotten an important truth. I have nothing to lose and nothing to prove. Yes, it may be strange for me to go up to someone and talk to them, but if someone came up to me at Olivet, I may initially think it strange, but I would be interested in getting to know them. It takes courage. And that's respectable.
In the words of my brother (quoting a muppet movie) "People is people is people." Yes, there are differences in culture. Yes, I cannot communicate nearly as well as I want to because it is a different language. Yes, it will be uncomfortable to take the first step. But how beautiful it is to break down walls. Cultural, language, personality, nationality walls. To see what this time will unfold, and receive what it is.
Why do I hesitate? Why am I intimidated? What's the worst that can happen? I never talk to them again? That they think I'm weird? Well, newsflash, I'm a foreigner, so I already am before I even open my mouth. I pray that the ease of Freshman year (even though I felt the same way at the time) comes back and I can have some kind of confidence in what is going on. What's the best that can happen? I make a new friend and experience life with them. And by the grace of God, I get to participate in the restoration and healing of their life, as they participate in mine.
So far, my classes have been quite interesting. My indoor soccer class is outside and I got so burned the first day. It was a big humbling fest not only because I was the only girl and I'm not good, but also because these guys have played soccer all their lives and are very competitive. Then I had a history of Latin America class. Like 6 ticos and the rest gringos. The prof talks SOO fast. It's incredibly difficult to understand her and almost impossible to follow her. Even the Costa Rican students said she talked fast. I think I might have a friend in that class. She is incredibly sweet. Met a sweet girl through one of the guys in my soccer class. But today I haven't met anyone. And it'd be really easy to But I must trust that God will provide friends. He will not leave me in a place where I cannot survive. But I must trust. And what freedom comes from that .It's just having the eyes to see the opportunities and courage to take them. Today I have another class, then tomorrow at 7:30 in the morning and 3pm. Friday, class from 9-12 then we go to Arenal Volcano. Like 100 gringos all going to be incredibly touristy at a luxury hotel complex right next to the volcano. Yay. (not)
My host mom is the sweetest lady in the world and I'm so thankful to get to spend time with her, her husband, and her 2 daughters. But I must humbly remember that it's not all about me. As much as I selfishly wanted the family to myself, another girl asked to move in with us and she moved in this morning. It will be good. Kill my pride. These people were perfectly fine before I came and they will be perfectly fine when I leave. And when I do leave, I will have an even deeper understanding and solidarity with those like me. We shall see how this semester unfolds. How I learn to trust. How I learn to step out. But all in the perspective that this is just another step in the rest of my life. I don't want to waste it. So I will let go of my will. And participate in what follows.