Learning.

What a contrast this is to the first week. So much has happened in so little time and it seems the days are flying by almost too fast to reach out and seize them. I don’t want to reach the end of my time here and realize that I’ve wasted it. But I am learning how I need to slow down and refocus, to rest and realize the beauty of it. It just feels empty if I’m just walking forward and not really seeing what’s all around me. These days have been so packed that it’s hard to make time to relax my mind and allow Truth to change me and I fall into this delusion that I can walk forward fully just fine by myself only to quickly fall out of it as I fall of the cliff into the abyss of self-reliance and self-deception.

As I do slow down and let this flood of thoughts out, I could sit here and write for hours, but I have class to attend and food to try from my friend who is studying to be a chef, so I must limit this to a short time, a quick reflection on a few of the things I've learned. From San Jose to Heredia, from sitting in class to zip-lining and bungee jumping, from playing soccer to going to the cine, so much has happened, and I'm learning and growing from it, even though it doesn't always feel like it. 

I’m learning not to resent gringos because they’re gringos, but to appreciate the time I have with them as much as I wish I were with Costa Ricans. They are all beautiful people and I will learn from each one if I humble myself and see them as they are, free from biased judgment of something they cannot control.  I’m learning, and failing, at being fully present in the moment, loving those I’m with by offering my full attention.

I’m learning that I don’t long to do what many long to do because I realize I’d just be doing it to say I did, not because I truly wanted to. I don’t feel a pressing need to climb a mountain or jump off into the air with only a line attached to my ankles, but if I get the opportunity, yes I’ll take, and I did, but I’m learning that I can be content with much simpler things. Sitting by the spring in the mountain just listening. Watching the sun set behind the mountains, illuminating the sky with a beautiful and powerful light of many colors. Sitting here writing what I’ve been thinking. Going to the market and watching people do their shopping thing. Yes, all these extreme things sound cool and I’d love to do them, but I’m realizing that just because other people are stoked and willing to pay a ton doesn’t mean that I have to as well. If I get the chance, with joy I will do it, but if not, I think I’ve learned to be content exploring on my own and inventing an adventure to go on. Now what’s worth the money is another question, because I haven’t figured that out yet. If life’s just about doing as much as you can, experiencing as many things as you can, then money isn’t even a part of the equation, you should just do it all. But if it’s more than that, then what.

I’m learning how shallow I can be and how disgusting it is that I’ve found myself at times deeming people worthy of my time based on their appearance. How unfair that is and how vain. Yet how beautiful it is when that twisted mindset is destroyed and only unconditional love remains.

I’ve learned that I like Latin dancing, but I don’t really know how to dance to reggae. That typical Latino dancing is incredibly fun when you’re dancing with a guy who knows what he’s doing, but how few of those guys exist.

I miss church. I miss having real conversations with people about things that matter to me. I miss people who know me well and understand me, all of my flaws and complexity. I've learned how difficult it is to cling to what I've known as Truth when it seems I'm alone in that pursuit. But I've also learned that God will provide. He will provide the people you need and the rest you need as you trust. I've learned that although I thought I was alone on this road, I'm not. There are people seeking the same thing: God himself. And we can walk together. I'm learning how I don't want to waste this time, but I want to be an instrument of righteousness, participate in redemption and restoration and healing. But can I do that when my heart is fighting to believe? Resting in the Truth of Jesus, the Light of Life, his brilliance illuminating the world, his Truth motivating and overflowing into all else. Overflow. 

I’ve learned how to listen and understand Spanish better, but I’ve also learned how to pretend I understand based on the words I do know (which is not always the best thing to do…). But I still cannot tell stories or recount some past event because the conjugations trip me up and I can’t even talk. I’ve learned that some days my Spanish seems pretty good and other days I can barely talk. I’ve learned that learning all the pachuco (ghetto-esque) words the first week in Spanish class has proved to be the biggest friend making tool I have in my pocket, or at least it gets a laugh out of those I meet.

I’ve learned a lot more and noticed a lot more, but for now that’s where I’ll leave it. And later I’ll add more.