In an effort to speak with complete honesty, I thought being stuck here for months would be a tragedy. In the first few weeks, in between breakdowns, as I was groping desperately for any sense of routine, I fought to believe it was possible to get better in this space.
But as I was making intentional efforts and getting the support I needed to get a grip back on reality, I found the grace to submit it to God. Even in a season when everything feels dry and distant, when questions and doubt seem to characterize the everyday, I found grace. I knew full well that if I found healing here, it would be by the grace of God.
That's not to say I don't love my family, for I dearly and deeply do. But it can be challenging at times to find peace of mind in the midst of the struggles in life here. With no friends around, family challenges, in the midst of a pandemic where I've been unexpectedly away from my home in Shenzhen for almost 4 month, away from friends and community, and with no clarity for what's coming around the bend, I knew healing would be His doing.
I don't feel the same obligation as before to fix things or usher in the restoration of certain aspects of relationships. I'm beginning to understand that I can't fix some things, and instead I can practice patience and love, trying to withhold judgement for things I don't quite understand.
Each of us are broken in our own ways. Each of us have a story. And hopefully I'm on the road to becoming one who asks. Who validates. Who listens.
Right now, nearly all of my energy is being invested in me. Before I would feel utterly guilty for that, but I think maybe this is one key way I can give back right now. If I'm not healthy, stable, and secure in my identity, how can I love others well?
It's a weird time now, with no inkling of when I'll go back home. And realizing all of my time at that home was invested in one person (aside from work) who won't be there when and if I return. That hurts. I can't even imagine it, nor do I want to, but that's what'll happen if I ever get to go back to my place in Shenzhen.
So now that I'm not being controlled by anxiety, now that the depression is lessening, I'm working through losing someone I loved dearly who left voluntarily. I'm also coming face to face with this truth that I have no clue what I want to do with my life.
I forget what I enjoy. I struggle with the sheer overchoice.
But I don't have to have it all figured out right now. I don't have to have plans set in stone. I'm learning to again walk confidently into the unknown, yet seeking clarity and listening well, including to myself, but walking in the confidence that comes from a faith in something greater than myself.
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