Thinking Back

I don't think I'm angry anymore. Instead, I wish the best for you and look forward to learning what's you have in store.
At first, I thought it was all my fault. I piled all of the things I didn't do or should've done into a giant mound over myself, nearly suffocating from the weight and the heat. I felt abandoned. I felt unlovable. I felt rejected. And I knew that my mental health struggles had gotten the best of us. All of my worst fears had come true and when you saw the mess I was, I knew you would leave. And you did. At first I was hurt and angry, mostly with myself but also with you.
But as I've been investing nearly all my time in getting mentally healthy, I've also spent a good deal processing all these feels. Before I felt like I was looking up at this looming ship of inferiority that was about to crush me like a tiny bug. But now, I'm learning to allow myself to feel, work to gain perspective, and stop and give myself a hug. It's tough. It sucks. Losing someone you love and coming to grips with the fact that you may never see them again. It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking all of it is nullified now that the other voluntarily left your side. But I will fight. I will fight to keep in mind the numerous situational factors that slowly drove a wedge between our lives. I will fight to recognize the unlikely environment the pandemic forced upon us, something that neither of us was prepared for, something that would bring stress on even the strongest of relationships. So much uncertainty, so many unknowns, so much being thrown to the wind in exasperation because nobody had answers or any direction.
I know you did what you believed was the best thing for you, and I can now see that the best thing I can do to love you is to let you go. But I'm still rooting for you. I still hope you can find what you need in your new move. That your career will develop and build into what you hope for. That you'll find people in your life who can provide life-giving support. I hope that you can find rest and peace, that you can find happiness and freedom from the Asia stress.
I know that our relationship had its rocks, and that my anxiety left you feeling put in a box. I know neither of us were perfect and my work often became a burden for you, distracting from the life and exploration of the city and terrain we found ourselves in.
But I also recognize that we experienced so much together. We climbed mountains, ate meals, baked together. We tried new things, you held me when I cried, we laughed and laughed until we were doubled over gripping our sides. There were so many special little things that I will treasure, so many experiences I'm thankful for and will remember forever. You brought joy to my life when I couldn't find it any place else, were rays of sunshine in the midst of a hurricane. You helped to keep me sane. Of course there are so many things we both could've done better, but I'm grateful for the time we shared in Shenzhen together.
When things had gotten quite bad with my anxiety, I remember you saying "You need to find happiness without me." I didn't realize that you would later leave, but I'm thankful that I'm finding it. Joy and peace.
Looking back, I don't feel angry. I feel sad because I lost a best friend, as well as a sense of stability, but I'm also learning to find that elsewhere. I can see beauty all around me again. I can see hope that you always told me about in the past, but I could never quite grasp it through my clenched fists. I didn't think growth and change was possible, I thought I would be stuck with the rucksack on my back forever. But I'm watching as change happens. I'm watching as life seeps back into my empty shell, awakening from the hell that was all this anxiety and stress, and likely depression. Before you were the only thing that could pull me out of it, but now I'm learning to crawl out myself. I'm learning to rely on the help of God.
So thank you for being there for me. For listening and walking with me. Thank you for the time we shared. I'm sorry you never really got to know the real me, but I'm grateful she's coming back out again for those around her to see.