Lucky and Free

Lucky and Free.
Oh, how I've wanted to remember what it feels like to be lucky and free again.
And I think I'm beginning to.

I want to run every day not because I feel like I should, or because I know it's good for me, but because I like it. I feel strong, I feel energized, I feel excited to be alive. I love the bright reds and blues of the cardinals and blue jays. The different hues of green surrounding me, the flowers dotting the path. There's so much beauty everywhere.
I do workout videos because I want to. Because it's one of the few things in my life that I have some degree of control in. I can push my body and feel the goodness of being sore yet growing stronger. I get a degree of satisfaction from seeing results and feeling the effects of those results.
I play piano because I enjoy it. I'm surprised to see that my fingers still remember more than I thought possible, and I can still read music and learn and grow. I find myself drawn to the piano just to stretch myself and try playing the pieces from memory.
I drew the other day with my brother, and discovered that I still can sort of draw. And I enjoy it. I'm not perfect, but the act of creating something that looks even remotely realistic or aesthetically pleasing is great. The shading, the details, the way you can create something out of nothing, a blank page being a clean slate.
I've also started to bake. To make food, mostly desserts, with my brother. It's so simple, but it's great working together.
I play cards, sometimes even with myself, something I couldn't used to do because it felt like a waste of time. It's weird, because of all the hobbies or past-times, that's the least 'productive' one. But I've been playing a lot of cards lately.
I can sit an listen to the birds again, watching the river flow past, immersed in nature that stays the same but is always changing. Before, I would be restless the whole time, my mind hijacked by anxiety and all the things I had to do that were more 'productive' than this. But through all of these strategies and practices I've been incorporating into my life, my mindset has begun to change.
I can read, for fun, and get sucked into a book for hours.
I can sit on the porch and drink coffee, just allowing myself to be.
I can color, watch a movie, or journal, without feeling guilty.
I can work on lessons and instead of feeling the dread toward work that's been following me for so long, I feel excited for the progress the kids have made, for how far I've come as a teacher, and how much room there is for growth.
I do miss my friends, and being in my own space, but this has turned out to be a great place to rediscover being lucky and free. The woods literally in my background, nature surrounding me whenever I go out. More time.
Oh, how incredible it is to taste and see again what it is to be lucky and free.

I look back at where I was a few months ago and it's baffling. I feel like a different person, this a different life. I don't know how I survived in the headspace I was in, but I am so deeply thankful for the healing taking place in my mind and body.

I still don't know what's to come, or where I want to be.
But I'll just savor these small signs I'm learning, once again, to be lucky and free.

Lucky and Free. John Davey