It's easy to look back and become discouraged. To see all the things I did wrong, all the ways I was wrong. All the things I could've done better or said better or not said at all. It's easy to heap blame and frustration on myself for all this. And maybe rightly so. I haven't felt like me for half a year. Longer maybe. Yet someone came into my life and wanted to walk alongside me. At first I was hesitant. I knew I had issues and things I had to work through. But they said we could walk together and see what became of it. Finally I decided to take that step, that difficult step, into trusting another, letting him in, walking together. Maybe I shouldn't have. Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe I needed to work through my issues, but that was the risk I chose to take. I let him in, terrified he'd walk away as soon as he saw who I had become, he'd realize his mistake and be done. But he didn't.
He held my hand.
Held me up when I felt as though I couldn't stand.
He listened and he asked questions, encouraged and challenged me, kept trying to remind me of what was important and to stop worrying.
I'd like to think I was an encouragement and challenged him, too, to become a better person and pursue that which is true. But I'm not sure if I did, at least anymore. Maybe all I did was deplete his energy and patience stores. Either way, I loved spending time with this man. We laughed, we climbed mountains, walking hand in hand. There were moments of time when I felt like myself again with him, he brought great joy and hope to the situation. He wasn't perfect, not by any means, but as I trusted him more I began to know what love really means. Even in my shaky mental health state, I learned what it meant to put the needs and wants of another first. I never said I was very good at this, but I began to learn what it meant to love and work at it regardless. I gave him the trust knife, leaning more and more on him, but to the point that I was crippling and hindering him. From his dreams. From his goals. My dependency and broken mental and physical state were preventing him, and maybe me, from being whole. In the midst of this coronavirus situation, things just got worse. What was supposed to be a beautifully freeing vacation turned into the most stressful and anxiety-inducing situation (but I didn't even have words at the time to express that my struggle was with mental health). In a country I knew so little about, no computer or materials to meet the demands of my job, so much uncertainty for both of us, one able to handle it much better than the other, the stress and crumbling mental health just caused our relationship to suffer and drove whatever negative was building between us to further. I was depending on him way too much, controlled by my anxiety and stress from my stupid job. I had a schedule and responsibilities, they didn't have many, unless they chose to add other work to these. Our schedules opposite, me exhausted from the stress, all in an unfamiliar country with a mounting crisis back home in China, I was becoming a burden for those that I was with. The mental health deteriorating, I was becoming a mess. But I also finally realized that this was a mental health situation, that it didn't have to be like this. I could get help and/or medication.
From that point on, I've been reaching out, trying to get help. Searching, reaching, calling out for help. The first step was going to Germany to be with someone I loved and someone who loved me. Being with Emmalee was a breath of fresh air, in her beautiful house, with rolling hills all around, it was a slight escape from the anxiety that was incessantly following me around. No, it didn't go away, but there was a conversation that gave me hope that it wouldn't always be this way. But there was already distance beginning to build between the guy I loved and I, and I feared I brought that on myself by leaving. Then the time came when I had to make another choice about where to go and what to do in the midst of the development of the crisis.
I suck at making decisions, it's been a pattern of my life, so why should this be any different? I couldn't bear to go back to being a burden on them in a foreign land where the anxiety never seemed to end. But I didn't know where to go, how long this would last, or when I could go home. So, in a way out of obligation to my family, I went back to Indiana just in time for my mom's birthday. I don't know whether that was a good call or not, but I do know it increased the distance, all aspects, between me and the guy I'd fallen in love with. It felt like he didn't care and was quite content to be lucky and free to do whatever he wanted in the country he was in. That was incredibly hard for me to swallow because I usually show my love by doing everything I can to be with those I care about. He was content and safe where he was, but for some reason I kept pressing, longing to be reunited, walk the journey to healing together. I would've gone there if they would've let me in, but they closed their borders, so I couldn't and maybe that's for the best. But I felt alone, away from all my friends, back at my parents, which carries its own challenges and wins. I kept trying to get help, contacting counselors and doctors, trying to figure out how to get myself better and making those moves. The healthcare system in the US really doesn't make it easy. So many people unable to make appointments or a 3 month waitlist. I kept trying, contacting more and more, finally got in to see a telehealth doctor. Anxiety, depression, maybe the obsessive part of OCD, whatever it is, I think I'm on the long, slow road to healing. Thanks to the suggestion from the guy, I've found a couple people, professionals, who will walk by my side.
Just when that happened, my worst fears came true, and the one I love opted to move on. To give up. To walk away. I wasn't healthy and it was deeply affecting our relationship. I wasn't pushing him forward like I longed to do. I was holding him back with the obligation he felt waiting around and watching my mental health melt. I think he didn't know how to help, and my obsessive work thoughts, spiritual confusion, and anxiety were driving him away. So he ended things with me. He wanted to be free. To make his decisions without the burden of me-waiting around in the hopes I'd get healthy. But also because he feels it's better for me to walk this road myself, without him. Maybe he's right. Maybe he's wrong. I don't know.
But even when he's given up and walked away, I'm going forward to find the lucky and free me. Yes, it sucks, it hurts very deeply to know you weren't enough, to know your issues drove away someone you love, right when you're taking the first steps to recovery. It sucks to know you were holding someone back, that he felt obligated to be my stability and then grew to resent that. It hurts to know the bright spot in your chaotic life saw you as an unhealthy relationship. You didn't push him to his goals, you didn't make decisions but expected him to, you didn't get him off his butt enough like his brother and friends do. It hurts to be told by your best friend that you may never see him again. Maybe down the road we'll meet again, when I'm healthy and lucky and free again.
The reality is, I know I'm not whole. I know you deserve better, to be with someone healthy and confident who can hold you up as well. I think care more deeply about you than anyone before, which is frankly very scary and frustrating. But maybe that means the best thing to do is let go.
I do want you to be happy.
Yes, part of me hurts because losing a best friend when you need support the most is like being kicked when you're down. But I know I can't ask you to just wait around.
You have an exciting future, so many opportunities, as much as I want to go on this adventure with you, to walk into the future hand in hand, you deserve better.
So no, I'm not walking forward FOR you, although I do secretly hope there'll be another chance when I'm really me and you're you. But you've made it clear not to count on that. You've got other things you want to do. I'm sorry I held you back, didn't love you as well as I wanted to, and was a burden to you. I don't know how you got ahold of my heart so quick, but I let it happen, so now this is the price I pay for it.
I'm a broken person, wandering and lost, looking for healing and purpose in this great big world. I know I'd rather walk this road hand in hand, but it looks like now I'm going at it alone. But you better believe I'm going to go hard.
I want to get better, reach a place of peace.
I will fight for joy in the midst of this kick in the teeth.
Maybe this is something I have to do alone. I don't know. But even when others give up on me or judge me, I will move forward.
I will fight to be lucky and free.
I know something for certain. Getting better is my top priority. Finding joy and peace.
I'm on my own.
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