Hibernation

It's crazy to think that I've gone three years without posting on this blog. It's been a combination of time constraints, being in survival-mode, and fear. I've lost my touch, I'm not a good writer, I won't be able to express the complexity or depth of what I'm thinking or feeling.  A combination of outside, inside, and subconscious forces have pushed me into a 3 year writing hibernation. Yes, I wrote for grad school, but never for myself.  I've tried to come out of said hibernation several times, but have been shoved back into the cave for various reasons. I can't accurately describe what's going on inside or around me in writing because I can't even understand it myself. How could I communicate that to anyone else? I know that journaling is life-giving for me, but I would avoid it, put anything and everything else before it. It helps me process and understand myself, but instead I would drown in the storm of my own swirling thoughts in my head.

I've kept saying that I just wanted several weeks in a cabin in the woods by myself, to process the last 10 years of my life, to work through the things I keep tripping up on. And now I sort of have that time. I'm still working, and can easily get sucked into the twisted perfectionism that robs me of life and joy, but I have some time. So I'm peeking my head out of the cave, trying this tool that used to be so beautiful in my life.

Whether or not I am a gifted writer, I know that writing helps me process, helps me get in touch with my heart and my mind, begin to understand what's going on deep inside. So I will try. Not for anyone else but myself.