Stumbled upon this. Wrote it a month ago. Real and raw. Ups and downs. Is life a roller coaster? Or does it ever level off? I'm not sure which would be better...
Who am I. Who am I anymore.
As soon as I thought I knew, every crutch is slowly broken, every layer peeled off revealing a raw and bloody core. It was busyness I hid behind, doing and producing and performing. I was defined by what and how much I produced in very little time . And accomplishment. I achieved many things and was known for it. I was a high achiever, top of everything. Then sports, fast and encouraging. A compassionate heart. An optimist. And one with big dreams. With great potential. One who could get paid to go to school. Who had an inheritance. As one who never faced rejection, who could do whatever she wanted. One who had great intelligence.
And now look at me. Stripped of sports ability. Stripped of busyness and responsibility. Stripped of performance and academic achievement. Faced with rejection after rejection of things I wanted to do. With no knowledge of history, current events, geography. Not well versed in pop culture or any specialty. What do I know. I don't even have common sense. My compassion is selective and my patience non existent. The self has replaced the selfless. I feel unworthy and unwanted. Stripped of intelligence, options, stability. No money, no performance, no ministry.
What do I have. What is there left to strip me of. I don't even have full health anymore. Not even a fully healthy body. Yet listen to me. Complaining and whining about me. Can't I see how trivial all of this is relatively? My troubles are a drop of water in the sea of pain. Yet it's big to me because it's my identity. Who am I. When all this is stripped away, what's left of me.
I fear I don't know. I fear I question my very core. I know what I should say, but it sure doesn't feel like it today. Maybe it's lack of sleep or scales of sin on my eyes so I can't see, but here I am. Raw and vulnerable. All my crutches gone, all my masks and covers off. My naked soul feels broken and unwanted. Worthless and ugly. Confusion and chaos wrapped in a body.
Who am I. Who am I when its all said and done. When every support I've been standing on has been ripped from under me. I'm tempted to think it's just down from here, a spiral into the abyss. But I know that's not the case. There is a foundation. One who defines me. Who gives me a new identity. Devoid of all the titles and masks I've come to see as me. I could be the stupidest, coldest, brokest, everything bad-ist in the world and would he still look at me and say I am beauty? I am worthy? I am just who he wants me to be and is growing me to be? I am loved and whole and redeemed? Fully seen, fully known, fully and unconditionally loved even in my insufficiency. He does and he has. I can rest in the shadow of his wings. My soul clings to him and his right hand upholds me. He is my strong fortress, my refuge, and I will not be shaken. May that be what I truly believe. May my identity come from who he is and who he's made me. Jesus sees me. And he loves me. Even when all my striving ceases and I lay void of productivity. Now I just need that to sink from mind to heart and start living as if that's what I truly believe. The cross has clothed my bloody core with an intense beauty and irrevocable identity.
No comments:
Post a Comment