Learning.

What a contrast this is to the first week. So much has happened in so little time and it seems the days are flying by almost too fast to reach out and seize them. I don’t want to reach the end of my time here and realize that I’ve wasted it. But I am learning how I need to slow down and refocus, to rest and realize the beauty of it. It just feels empty if I’m just walking forward and not really seeing what’s all around me. These days have been so packed that it’s hard to make time to relax my mind and allow Truth to change me and I fall into this delusion that I can walk forward fully just fine by myself only to quickly fall out of it as I fall of the cliff into the abyss of self-reliance and self-deception.

As I do slow down and let this flood of thoughts out, I could sit here and write for hours, but I have class to attend and food to try from my friend who is studying to be a chef, so I must limit this to a short time, a quick reflection on a few of the things I've learned. From San Jose to Heredia, from sitting in class to zip-lining and bungee jumping, from playing soccer to going to the cine, so much has happened, and I'm learning and growing from it, even though it doesn't always feel like it. 

I’m learning not to resent gringos because they’re gringos, but to appreciate the time I have with them as much as I wish I were with Costa Ricans. They are all beautiful people and I will learn from each one if I humble myself and see them as they are, free from biased judgment of something they cannot control.  I’m learning, and failing, at being fully present in the moment, loving those I’m with by offering my full attention.

I’m learning that I don’t long to do what many long to do because I realize I’d just be doing it to say I did, not because I truly wanted to. I don’t feel a pressing need to climb a mountain or jump off into the air with only a line attached to my ankles, but if I get the opportunity, yes I’ll take, and I did, but I’m learning that I can be content with much simpler things. Sitting by the spring in the mountain just listening. Watching the sun set behind the mountains, illuminating the sky with a beautiful and powerful light of many colors. Sitting here writing what I’ve been thinking. Going to the market and watching people do their shopping thing. Yes, all these extreme things sound cool and I’d love to do them, but I’m realizing that just because other people are stoked and willing to pay a ton doesn’t mean that I have to as well. If I get the chance, with joy I will do it, but if not, I think I’ve learned to be content exploring on my own and inventing an adventure to go on. Now what’s worth the money is another question, because I haven’t figured that out yet. If life’s just about doing as much as you can, experiencing as many things as you can, then money isn’t even a part of the equation, you should just do it all. But if it’s more than that, then what.

I’m learning how shallow I can be and how disgusting it is that I’ve found myself at times deeming people worthy of my time based on their appearance. How unfair that is and how vain. Yet how beautiful it is when that twisted mindset is destroyed and only unconditional love remains.

I’ve learned that I like Latin dancing, but I don’t really know how to dance to reggae. That typical Latino dancing is incredibly fun when you’re dancing with a guy who knows what he’s doing, but how few of those guys exist.

I miss church. I miss having real conversations with people about things that matter to me. I miss people who know me well and understand me, all of my flaws and complexity. I've learned how difficult it is to cling to what I've known as Truth when it seems I'm alone in that pursuit. But I've also learned that God will provide. He will provide the people you need and the rest you need as you trust. I've learned that although I thought I was alone on this road, I'm not. There are people seeking the same thing: God himself. And we can walk together. I'm learning how I don't want to waste this time, but I want to be an instrument of righteousness, participate in redemption and restoration and healing. But can I do that when my heart is fighting to believe? Resting in the Truth of Jesus, the Light of Life, his brilliance illuminating the world, his Truth motivating and overflowing into all else. Overflow. 

I’ve learned how to listen and understand Spanish better, but I’ve also learned how to pretend I understand based on the words I do know (which is not always the best thing to do…). But I still cannot tell stories or recount some past event because the conjugations trip me up and I can’t even talk. I’ve learned that some days my Spanish seems pretty good and other days I can barely talk. I’ve learned that learning all the pachuco (ghetto-esque) words the first week in Spanish class has proved to be the biggest friend making tool I have in my pocket, or at least it gets a laugh out of those I meet.

I’ve learned a lot more and noticed a lot more, but for now that’s where I’ll leave it. And later I’ll add more.

1.15.14

In the last 3 weeks I have gone from Indiana to Chicago to the DR to Florida to San Jose, Costa Rica to Heredia, Costa Rica. So many things to process and to take in. And not sufficient time to do it. From seeing family and friends over Christmas to spending New Years with my sister to an adventure with Evalina and Maria in Santo Domingo to arriving in Costa Rica and being very disappointed with the study abroad program I chose to moving to a new university in a different province. Three guys from Point Loma who were my neighbors got robbed at gunpoint, I'm in an indoor soccer class where I am the only female (and the worst soccer player by far), and I live with the sweetest family ever. I like this new program, but it's proven difficult to make friends. It seems many of the local people here are very comfortable with the groups of friends they have and are not interested in meeting anyone new. And like I noticed with the exchange students in high school, all the Americans stick together like glue (not a fan of that either). It sheds a whole new light on students at Olivet. You begin to see with new eyes that the new girl from China who is sitting by herself "reading" is really wishing she had the courage to walk up to you and ask your name. The guy from South America who seems really friendly when you see him would really love it if you invited him to do something with your group of friends.  I will humbly admit that I've been very intimidated to meet anyone new, but this morning I realized that I had forgotten an important truth. I have nothing to lose and nothing to prove. Yes, it may be strange for me to go up to someone and talk to them, but if someone came up to me at Olivet, I may initially think it strange, but I would be interested in getting to know them. It takes courage. And that's respectable.
In the words of my brother (quoting a muppet movie) "People is people is people." Yes, there are differences in culture. Yes, I cannot communicate nearly as well as I want to because it is a different language. Yes, it will be uncomfortable to take the first step. But how beautiful it is to break down walls. Cultural, language, personality, nationality walls. To see what this time will unfold, and receive what it is.
Why do I hesitate? Why am I intimidated? What's the worst that can happen? I never talk to them again? That they think I'm weird? Well, newsflash, I'm a foreigner, so I already am before I even open my mouth. I pray that the ease of Freshman year (even though I felt the same way at the time) comes back and I can have some kind of confidence in what is going on. What's the best that can happen? I make a new friend and experience life with them. And by the grace of God, I get to participate in the restoration and healing of their life, as they participate in mine.
So far, my classes have been quite interesting. My indoor soccer class is outside and I got so burned the first day. It was a big humbling fest not only because I was the only girl and I'm not good, but also because these guys have played soccer all their lives and are very competitive. Then I had a history of Latin America class. Like 6 ticos and the rest gringos. The prof talks SOO fast. It's incredibly difficult to understand her and almost impossible to follow her. Even the Costa Rican students said she talked fast. I think I might have a friend in that class. She is incredibly sweet. Met a sweet girl through one of the guys in my soccer class. But today I haven't met anyone. And it'd be really easy to But I must trust that God will provide friends. He will not leave me in a place where I cannot survive. But I must trust. And what freedom comes from that .It's just having the eyes to see the opportunities and courage to take them. Today I have another class, then tomorrow at 7:30 in the morning and 3pm. Friday, class from 9-12 then we go to Arenal Volcano. Like 100 gringos all going to be incredibly touristy at a luxury hotel complex right next to the volcano. Yay. (not)
My host mom is the sweetest lady in the world and I'm so thankful to get to spend time with her, her husband, and her 2 daughters. But I must humbly remember that it's not all about me. As much as I selfishly wanted the family to myself, another girl asked to move in with us and she moved in this morning. It will be good. Kill my pride. These people were perfectly fine before I came and they will be perfectly fine when I leave. And when I do leave, I will have an even deeper understanding and solidarity with those like me. We shall see how this semester unfolds. How I learn to trust. How I learn to step out. But all in the perspective that this is just another step in the rest of my life. I don't want to waste it. So I will let go of my will. And participate in what follows.

Learning to Swim and to Fly.

Over this past year there has been a theme of walking forward. Of coming empty to the present moment so that you can receive all that it has to offer. Not living in a land of would have/should have/could have, but instead embracing what is. Not crushing the present with false perception and expectation, but having eyes to see the beauty that this moment contains.

Since arriving in Costa Rica, it has been a constant fight to breathe in an ocean of “what if’s,” struggling to see the splendor of what is. With questions plaguing my mind, from the shallowness of the location I’m in and the program I chose to the depth of Truth and reality and if they can be known, I have found in that sea of “what if’s” is a good way to grow cold and lifeless.

There is such magnificence enveloping me in the stunning place of rich experiences and raw beauty, but I cannot receive them when I’m looking backwards, the “what if” parasite robbing me of fullness of Life. I cannot change the past, but I can learn from it and use it to advise those in the future who may encounter those same its. But I cannot go backwards in time, so today I will choose to walk forward, embracing the present in this life that is mine. I will recognize that there could have been a better decision, for nearly everything, but I cannot live the perfect life, so I can either wallow in the strife of regret or I can recognize it and chose to kill the shameless beast of regret with the knife that is the Life and Light of men. The God who offers Life to all who come to him, fullness of joy and true rest in the midst of struggling.

This is an experience that will never be repeated, so I have a choice to let the hypothetical rob me of that joy or to humble myself and open my eyes to the beauty of reality of unimaginable size.  So as I walk forward I will encounter the beauty of this country. I will learn immensely from each person I meet, presently surprised by their amiability. I will see around me both new things and old and I will walk forward in expectation of the Life that this adventure will hold.

            Yesterday I was drowning in a sea of regret, but today I’m learning both to swim and to fly, gaining a new and magnificent perspective of both what’s under the sea and the beauty I can see from the sky. This “what if” beast lost its grip on me as soon as I broke it’s gaze and turned the other way, and began to walk forward. I’m not saying it will be easy, but will say that it will be worth it. So today I will not drown, my lungs will not collapse, but I will walk into Costa Rica and soak in all that it has.

Dancing.

Dancing. Shutting the door, playing the music, and letting go. Caught in this intellectual trap, in order to survive I must remember to open the cage I so often lock myself in and experience the sacredness of life. Of dancing. Of sitting in a field. Of eating ice cream in the back of a pick up truck. I cannot live in this cage I’ve built for myself. I will suffocate and the life will soon be choked out of me by the thing’s I’ve brought into this den with me. So I must remember to break free and see the beauty of both the intellect and the freedom of just living. Living life. Thank you Travis for teaching me what it means to dance, and Elizabeth for dancing with me. Biking to the market or just drinking tea. Thank you Janelle for pulling me out of the pit and reminding me of what it means to have fun. Thank you Jordy for bathing me in the beauty of art and music, of paint and photography, of real beauty and honesty. Thank you Kait for restoring the joy of hospitality, the depth of love. Thank you Ren for truly showing me what it means to love selflessly, for adventuring into the unknown with me. Thank you Stefan for exemplifying what it means to lead humbly, to listen and love real-ly. Thank you Lizzy for the refreshing reality of the sweetness of your spirit. Thank you Sarah for your deep gentleness and strength to ask what most won’t. Thank you Erin for humbling me by the vastness of your humility. Thank you Kaley for your childlike faith to do and love that so encourages me when I overthink and overanalyze everything. Thank you Natalie for your quiet yet ever so strong conviction to that which is True. Thank you Tyler for your sheer depth and desire for genuinity, for listening with patience, gentleness and grace. Thank you Preston for being a man of integrity, one who challenges me on what I think and responds ever increasingly graciously. Thank you Marie for the magnitude of your faith and the way you define beauty. Thank you Aden for speaking life over and over and allowing me to ask. Thank you Paul for allowing me to watch you grow, for how you know not a stranger. Thank you Justin for teaching me what it means to accept everyone as they are, without crushing them with the pressure of expectation, what it means to love in a different way. Thank you Kimberly for teaching me how one who thinks differently can still lead so strongly, for the reality of loyalty. Also for the inspiration of your sheer smartness.  Thank you Austin for loving nature, for being redeeming what a man is. Kyle for music, for honesty, for thinking differently and not settling for what someone may tell you is reality. Thank you Chandler for the way you love people, purely and deeply, wanting Life for them yet not confusing fancy words with the hope of reality. Thank you Zack for struggling with me, for not giving up, for the Truth you inspire me to keep seeking. Thank you Maggie for purity, for a heart captivated by God and a soul that belongs to him. Thank you Kara for your dedication and realness. Thank you Drew for your humble inquiry and ears that hear. Thank you Lamar for an “unchristianized” life that pours forth rawness. Thank you mother for giving up so much for me, for wanting so deeply to love us well and giving so much of yourself. Thank you dad for the beauty of watching you grow in humility and courage as you lead our family.

There are so many more who I’m thankful for, and with time, I will put those thanks into words, but for now, I say thank you.

Dancing.

Dancing. Shutting the door, playing the music, and letting go. Caught in this intellectual trap, in order to survive I must remember to open the cage I so often lock myself in and experience the sacredness of life. Of dancing. Of sitting in a field. Of eating ice cream in the back of a pick up truck. I cannot live in this cage I’ve built for myself. I will suffocate and the life will soon be choked out of me by the thing’s I’ve brought into this den with me. So I must remember to break free and see the beauty of both the intellect and the freedom of just living. Living life. Thank you Travis for teaching me what it means to dance, and Elizabeth for dancing with me. Biking to the market or just drinking tea. Thank you Janelle for pulling me out of the pit and reminding me of what it means to have fun. Thank you Jordy for bathing me in the beauty of art and music, of paint and photography, of real beauty and honesty. Thank you Kait for restoring the joy of hospitality, the depth of love. Thank you Ren for truly showing me what it means to love selflessly, for adventuring into the unknown with me. Thank you Stefan for exemplifying what it means to lead humbly, to listen and love real-ly. Thank you Lizzy for the refreshing reality of the sweetness of your spirit. Thank you Sarah for your deep gentleness and strength to ask what most won’t. Thank you Erin for humbling me by the vastness of your humility. Thank you Kaley for your childlike faith to do and love that so encourages me when I overthink and overanalyze everything. Thank you Natalie for your quiet yet ever so strong conviction to that which is True. Thank you Tyler for your sheer depth and desire for genuinity, for listening with patience, gentleness and grace. Thank you Preston for being a man of integrity, one who challenges me on what I think and responds ever increasingly graciously. Thank you Marie for the magnitude of your faith and the way you define beauty. Thank you Aden for speaking life over and over and allowing me to ask. Thank you Paul for allowing me to watch you grow, for how you know not a stranger. Thank you Justin for teaching me what it means to accept everyone as they are, without crushing them with the pressure of expectation, what it means to love in a different way. Thank you Kimberly for teaching me how one who thinks differently can still lead so strongly, for the reality of loyalty. Also for the inspiration of your sheer smartness.  Thank you Austin for loving nature, for being redeeming what a man is. Kyle for music, for honesty, for thinking differently and not settling for what someone may tell you is reality. Thank you Chandler for the way you love people, purely and deeply, wanting Life for them yet not confusing fancy words with the hope of reality. Thank you Zack for struggling with me, for not giving up, for the Truth you inspire me to keep seeking. Thank you Maggie for purity, for a heart captivated by God and a soul that belongs to him. Thank you Kara for your dedication and realness. Thank you Drew for your humble inquiry and ears that hear. Thank you Lamar for an “unchristianized” life that pours forth rawness. Thank you mother for giving up so much for me, for wanting so deeply to love us well and giving so much of yourself. Thank you dad for the beauty of watching you grow in humility and courage as you lead our family.

There are so many more who I’m thankful for, and with time, I will put those thanks into words, but for now, I say thank you.

Last month's struggle

How do I walk through the oppressive darkness without being overtaken by it. How do I look upon the decay without becoming discouraged. The only words that come to mind are paralyzed and sucked dry. It seems everyone around me is falling apart and I have no words of life to speak nor even a solid foundation from which to speak them. Yes, there is solidarity between us, but it’s hard. I can’t fix their struggles as much as I’m helpless to fix mine.

The motivation is skewed, the emotion gone. But was it ever there to be missed?

Yes I can look back and see how this struggle has been present for years and years, but is that supposed to dry up this endless flow of tears? No, to me that’s just even more paralyzing. Hopelessness sets in and I struggle to even breathe.

How can I breathe life into anyone when I can’t even fill my lungs so life can pulse through my body.

I believe I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord. Be strong, let your heart take courage, and wait for the Lord.

Maybe it’s in this vulnerable state that I’m stripped of all I once leaned on and I’m coming face to face with the reality of me. The reality of this world and the brokenness that so grossly characterizes it. It’s in this being laid bare that I must face the ugliness of the self and the depressing state of the world. And therein I’m faced with a choice. I can wallow in the sad state of reality, sinking into a deeper and deeper depression, or I can step out in hope, embracing the possibility that there’s more. That things are being and will be restored.

Can one in the pit covered in sludge really help those with him out? Entangled with the web of chaos can he really help free those next to him who are begging to be released from it’s grasp? Does he have the ability or power to loose the chains of doubt from his neighbor? Can the one in the cave really see to lead the way out to the warmth of the sunshine of reality? If he’s never been out himself? Of if he was he was blindfolded? 

I can ask and ask, but talk is cheap. I must walk forward or take a seat. Is this hopelessness all there is? Or is there something greater. A man called Hope. One who came to redeem. One known in English by the name of Jesus.