It's crazy to think that I've gone three years without posting on this blog. It's been a combination of time constraints, being in survival-mode, and fear. I've lost my touch, I'm not a good writer, I won't be able to express the complexity or depth of what I'm thinking or feeling. A combination of outside, inside, and subconscious forces have pushed me into a 3 year writing hibernation. Yes, I wrote for grad school, but never for myself. I've tried to come out of said hibernation several times, but have been shoved back into the cave for various reasons. I can't accurately describe what's going on inside or around me in writing because I can't even understand it myself. How could I communicate that to anyone else? I know that journaling is life-giving for me, but I would avoid it, put anything and everything else before it. It helps me process and understand myself, but instead I would drown in the storm of my own swirling thoughts in my head.
I've kept saying that I just wanted several weeks in a cabin in the woods by myself, to process the last 10 years of my life, to work through the things I keep tripping up on. And now I sort of have that time. I'm still working, and can easily get sucked into the twisted perfectionism that robs me of life and joy, but I have some time. So I'm peeking my head out of the cave, trying this tool that used to be so beautiful in my life.
Whether or not I am a gifted writer, I know that writing helps me process, helps me get in touch with my heart and my mind, begin to understand what's going on deep inside. So I will try. Not for anyone else but myself.
Friday, March 20, 2020
More Mid-March Uncertainties
If I had a dollar for every time I've changed plans or had to re-evaluate in the last two months, I'd probably be halfway to 1k.
Just when I thought I had a plan, things change yet again. Schools are now closing in Germany, moving to online learning for the time being. When you add the 2.5 weeks of closing with the 2 weeks of spring break, you're looking at 5 more weeks of uncertainty. Now that my host might leave, I've got to think about where I want to be.
Is this a time to go back and be with family? To go somewhere where I can focus on my mental health? Be with people who know me? Find a place alone somewhere to process through all of the things that are happening?
Yesterday I got a breath of fresh air by going on a run, resting on a bench under the brilliant warmth of the sun, overlooking the green valley covered with grass and trees, the epitome of serenity. But then it's a harsh transition to come back to the reality that I currently don't have a home. I can't even legally enter the country where I live because my visa has expired in the midst of this chaotic scene. To renew it, I have to go back to the US or to HK and undergo possible quarantine just to attempt to apply and maybe not even get it.
The paralysis of analysis is setting in yet again, as I try to figure out where to go and when. I know I'm not the only one in this situation, so my heart goes out to all of those who are in a similar position. It's not easy. It's not stable. It a time characterized by uncertainty, yet I hope I can still find a way to find beauty.
Saturday, March 14, 2020
Uncertainty: Mid-March
Now that I've been in Germany, the work-related anxiety has somewhat subsided. I'm able to think about other things, able to forget about work for a short while, able to see the things that used to make me smile. The clouds here are amazing. The colors, vibrant. The sunshine after the rain, brilliant.
But now another silent force is at play, a force that can either be exciting or crippling, one that many of us fear: uncertainty. We have no dates on when school will re-open, travel bans are starting, borders are closing. The panic is swelling all over the world, threatening to burst into mass chaos. I mean, we're already seeing toilet paper and soap stripped from stores and shelves. I've heard that I should figure out where I want to be stuck for the next 3 months and head there ASAP, but that's the issue. I don't know where to go. Back to China? Vietnam? Stay in Germany? Head back to the States? It's really a mystery where I should be, let alone where I want to be. I want to be near people I love, people who know me, who can help provide the deeply sought after stability. Somewhere that can satisfy the need for routine and familiarity. And it feels like the pressures on to figure that out right now, before I get stuck here in Emmalee's house (which wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing).
At least I can count on an income (for now), unlike some people dear to me who are currently wandering without knowing how they'll pay for the next month's rent in a country where they are currently not even living, let alone the housing they're in for the time being, until things get straightened out and they know where they can be. They don't have the dependability of an income, or even a job when this is all over.
So the question now arises: what do I value the most and where should I go to see that followed through.
But now another silent force is at play, a force that can either be exciting or crippling, one that many of us fear: uncertainty. We have no dates on when school will re-open, travel bans are starting, borders are closing. The panic is swelling all over the world, threatening to burst into mass chaos. I mean, we're already seeing toilet paper and soap stripped from stores and shelves. I've heard that I should figure out where I want to be stuck for the next 3 months and head there ASAP, but that's the issue. I don't know where to go. Back to China? Vietnam? Stay in Germany? Head back to the States? It's really a mystery where I should be, let alone where I want to be. I want to be near people I love, people who know me, who can help provide the deeply sought after stability. Somewhere that can satisfy the need for routine and familiarity. And it feels like the pressures on to figure that out right now, before I get stuck here in Emmalee's house (which wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing).
At least I can count on an income (for now), unlike some people dear to me who are currently wandering without knowing how they'll pay for the next month's rent in a country where they are currently not even living, let alone the housing they're in for the time being, until things get straightened out and they know where they can be. They don't have the dependability of an income, or even a job when this is all over.
So the question now arises: what do I value the most and where should I go to see that followed through.
Thursday, March 12, 2020
The Invisible Monster: Early March
4 countries. Almost 8 weeks.
Others may look at my life and feel jealous of me.
After all, I'm basically getting paid to travel and work remotely. Right?
But let me tell you, it's not as glamorous as it seems, not as glamourous as it could be.
Especially with the unwelcome, relentless company of the unwanted companion: anxiety.
Yes, I'm so grateful for the chance to travel and see the beautiful things I've seen. I'm grateful for the chance to visit friends and not have to deal with classroom management (in real life).
I'm most of all grateful for this gift of a little extra time.
But it's not all daisies and roses.
It's not like I wish it could be: work for a few hours and enjoy the majority of my time, embracing and experiencing real, true life.
But instead, the stress I've been feeling literally eating my soul over the last half year has intensified. I've never struggled so much in my life. Depression sucks. But I've never really experienced anxiety, or at least named it that, so I didn't even know what to call it. I just thought I had to try harder not to stress. Try harder not to cry. I had to mentally beat myself into caring less. But I just couldn't, no matter how hard I tried. Logic and reason revealed I was overreacting and crushing myself with this stress, but I couldn't seem to beat my obsessive thoughts into submission. I was drowning in the weight of them. They followed me everywhere and seeped into other areas of my life. I dreaded going to work, I dreaded the inevitable weekly breakdown. I hated how it affected relationships, sucking the life from them, and instead turning my presence into a wet blanket, raining on the party wherever I went.
I debated quitting since day 1, but I also couldn't bring myself to do that. I went to meetings and left feeling 1000 pounds heavier, feeling like I had gotten punched in the gut, just wanting to curl up. I was convinced something was wrong with me. Maybe I needed to pray harder, trust God more. Then maybe the mind-racing stress and anxiety would ease, or maybe even finally leave. But it didn't.
I felt like a burden. An annoyance to my colleagues due to my incessant questions and secret hope for affirmation. With the anxiety came a total loss of self-confidence and trust in my own abilities; how could I, the drowning mess, know what was best for my students?
I left for Christmas, more grateful than you know for the break. But coming back just intensified the anxiousness due to the disillusionment of the hope I had coming back. I wanted so bad to like my job or at least not dread it. On paper, it was an awesome job, but that didn't match up to my reality.
Then another break for Lunar New Year. A chance to get away and start fresh the next semester. New schedule, hopefully refreshed mindset, and hope. But the Coronavirus had other plans.
A 2 week vacation got extended and cut short at the same time. Midway through the break, we found out we'd be teaching online, so I lost half my vacation to figuring out how to use the online platforms and plan lessons for a group with English levels on all shades from black to white.
So stress began to threaten again. Determined not to give in, I tried to convince myself it was a positive thing, for although I was losing the ability to relax and block out school for the tail-end of my break, I was getting paid to learn how to use new technology. And I love learning new things. But that optimism was short-lived as the stress quickly overpowered and strangled any hope of positivity. It was all new...too much. Completely overwhelming. I knew in my mind that nobody cared enough to tell me I was doing a bad job, that it didn't really matter what I did, as the world wasn't depending on me pulling through, yet the anxiety started to overshadow everything. The fact that I knew I was the cause of this stress and that it was irrational only frustrated me. I felt completely helpless. Powerless to defeat the thoughts that literally plagued me.
On the outside my life looked grand. An extended stay in Vietnam, then Thailand because my visa ran out. Still getting paid, but working/teaching remotely. With someone I cared about and his brother. A perfect life.
But this silent monster I recently discovered may be anxiety was hijacking this perfect life and shoving my head underwater, preventing me from breathing, watching amusedly as I flailed and gasped for breath, trying to relieve the stress and grip of this invisible hand. Through a few conversations, I realized this invisible grip may be the potentially deadly claws of anxiety. Obsessive thoughts plaguing me, anytime I loosen the focus in my mind, it is immediately yanked to work. Thoughts that almost paralyze me. I don't know how to control them, but I can't keep living in constant dread, hating who it's made me become, and fearing that the anxiety will never end.
Maybe it's not something I can will myself to beat. So I've started reaching out. But this Coronavirus situation has made that hard. I'm working online, now from Germany, where I'm with someone who knows me and loves me, teaching live in the middle of the night. On platforms I'm still learning to use, teaching kids who have been inside for 6 weeks, sitting in front of a screen. I don't have a home. I'm living out of the school backpack I brought for my '2 week holiday.' I miss stability and routine. I don't know when I'm going back. My visa for China expired, so I have to reapply in Hong Kong whenever things calm down and schools have an opening date. All my stuff is in my apartment. I don't know if they'll ask us to work weekends and into the summer to make it up (even though we've been working extremely hard to do our best with this online learning). I'm living in someone else's space, so thankful for the friendship and hospitality offered.
You may have noticed that the first part of this is in past tense. That's in part because since I've been in Germany, the anxiety has slightly eased, and I'm hopeful that this is start of the road to getting healthy again. Yet I'm still constantly afraid it will come back with a vengeance, deeply affecting all aspects of my life. I want help, to see a counselor, but with all the instability and being in a new country (for who knows how long), it proves challenging.
I don't know what'll happen or where I'll be in 2 weeks. I'm trying to enjoy this 'extended vacation' during which I'm working extremely hard to curriculum map, lesson plan, design tasks, differentiate and assess learning of 28 kids who vary greatly in ability and independence, with no school textbooks or resources.
But in this time, I want to practice gratitude. In the midst of a seemingly losing battle with anxiety, I will choose to reflect on these things. Not as a way of humble bragging, but simply because in my current state, all I see is the negative, the lacking, the anxiety.
- Emmalee, who's let me invade her home for the foreseeable future, offering love and laughter and adventure in this new country
- a family who loves me and gives encouraging words when I need to hear them and says they always have space for me
- a boyfriend who is patient and helpful and supportive, even when the monster of anxiety makes me feel like a huge burden
- Time... to journal and reflect
- Opportunity to practice being satisfied with good-enough (as opposed to perfection)
- Some superstar students who are truly amaze me with their motivation and independence
- The Alps
- A few colleagues who have been truly understanding and supportive
- Beautiful mountains and hills
- Delicious Vietnamese and Thai food
- Hope
- A healthy physical body that can run
- Sunshine
- Water you can drink from the tap
- Coffee
Others may look at my life and feel jealous of me.
After all, I'm basically getting paid to travel and work remotely. Right?
But let me tell you, it's not as glamorous as it seems, not as glamourous as it could be.
Especially with the unwelcome, relentless company of the unwanted companion: anxiety.
Yes, I'm so grateful for the chance to travel and see the beautiful things I've seen. I'm grateful for the chance to visit friends and not have to deal with classroom management (in real life).
I'm most of all grateful for this gift of a little extra time.
But it's not all daisies and roses.
It's not like I wish it could be: work for a few hours and enjoy the majority of my time, embracing and experiencing real, true life.
But instead, the stress I've been feeling literally eating my soul over the last half year has intensified. I've never struggled so much in my life. Depression sucks. But I've never really experienced anxiety, or at least named it that, so I didn't even know what to call it. I just thought I had to try harder not to stress. Try harder not to cry. I had to mentally beat myself into caring less. But I just couldn't, no matter how hard I tried. Logic and reason revealed I was overreacting and crushing myself with this stress, but I couldn't seem to beat my obsessive thoughts into submission. I was drowning in the weight of them. They followed me everywhere and seeped into other areas of my life. I dreaded going to work, I dreaded the inevitable weekly breakdown. I hated how it affected relationships, sucking the life from them, and instead turning my presence into a wet blanket, raining on the party wherever I went.
I debated quitting since day 1, but I also couldn't bring myself to do that. I went to meetings and left feeling 1000 pounds heavier, feeling like I had gotten punched in the gut, just wanting to curl up. I was convinced something was wrong with me. Maybe I needed to pray harder, trust God more. Then maybe the mind-racing stress and anxiety would ease, or maybe even finally leave. But it didn't.
I felt like a burden. An annoyance to my colleagues due to my incessant questions and secret hope for affirmation. With the anxiety came a total loss of self-confidence and trust in my own abilities; how could I, the drowning mess, know what was best for my students?
I left for Christmas, more grateful than you know for the break. But coming back just intensified the anxiousness due to the disillusionment of the hope I had coming back. I wanted so bad to like my job or at least not dread it. On paper, it was an awesome job, but that didn't match up to my reality.
Then another break for Lunar New Year. A chance to get away and start fresh the next semester. New schedule, hopefully refreshed mindset, and hope. But the Coronavirus had other plans.
A 2 week vacation got extended and cut short at the same time. Midway through the break, we found out we'd be teaching online, so I lost half my vacation to figuring out how to use the online platforms and plan lessons for a group with English levels on all shades from black to white.
So stress began to threaten again. Determined not to give in, I tried to convince myself it was a positive thing, for although I was losing the ability to relax and block out school for the tail-end of my break, I was getting paid to learn how to use new technology. And I love learning new things. But that optimism was short-lived as the stress quickly overpowered and strangled any hope of positivity. It was all new...too much. Completely overwhelming. I knew in my mind that nobody cared enough to tell me I was doing a bad job, that it didn't really matter what I did, as the world wasn't depending on me pulling through, yet the anxiety started to overshadow everything. The fact that I knew I was the cause of this stress and that it was irrational only frustrated me. I felt completely helpless. Powerless to defeat the thoughts that literally plagued me.
On the outside my life looked grand. An extended stay in Vietnam, then Thailand because my visa ran out. Still getting paid, but working/teaching remotely. With someone I cared about and his brother. A perfect life.
But this silent monster I recently discovered may be anxiety was hijacking this perfect life and shoving my head underwater, preventing me from breathing, watching amusedly as I flailed and gasped for breath, trying to relieve the stress and grip of this invisible hand. Through a few conversations, I realized this invisible grip may be the potentially deadly claws of anxiety. Obsessive thoughts plaguing me, anytime I loosen the focus in my mind, it is immediately yanked to work. Thoughts that almost paralyze me. I don't know how to control them, but I can't keep living in constant dread, hating who it's made me become, and fearing that the anxiety will never end.
Maybe it's not something I can will myself to beat. So I've started reaching out. But this Coronavirus situation has made that hard. I'm working online, now from Germany, where I'm with someone who knows me and loves me, teaching live in the middle of the night. On platforms I'm still learning to use, teaching kids who have been inside for 6 weeks, sitting in front of a screen. I don't have a home. I'm living out of the school backpack I brought for my '2 week holiday.' I miss stability and routine. I don't know when I'm going back. My visa for China expired, so I have to reapply in Hong Kong whenever things calm down and schools have an opening date. All my stuff is in my apartment. I don't know if they'll ask us to work weekends and into the summer to make it up (even though we've been working extremely hard to do our best with this online learning). I'm living in someone else's space, so thankful for the friendship and hospitality offered.
You may have noticed that the first part of this is in past tense. That's in part because since I've been in Germany, the anxiety has slightly eased, and I'm hopeful that this is start of the road to getting healthy again. Yet I'm still constantly afraid it will come back with a vengeance, deeply affecting all aspects of my life. I want help, to see a counselor, but with all the instability and being in a new country (for who knows how long), it proves challenging.
I don't know what'll happen or where I'll be in 2 weeks. I'm trying to enjoy this 'extended vacation' during which I'm working extremely hard to curriculum map, lesson plan, design tasks, differentiate and assess learning of 28 kids who vary greatly in ability and independence, with no school textbooks or resources.
But in this time, I want to practice gratitude. In the midst of a seemingly losing battle with anxiety, I will choose to reflect on these things. Not as a way of humble bragging, but simply because in my current state, all I see is the negative, the lacking, the anxiety.
- Emmalee, who's let me invade her home for the foreseeable future, offering love and laughter and adventure in this new country
- a family who loves me and gives encouraging words when I need to hear them and says they always have space for me
- a boyfriend who is patient and helpful and supportive, even when the monster of anxiety makes me feel like a huge burden
- Time... to journal and reflect
- Opportunity to practice being satisfied with good-enough (as opposed to perfection)
- Some superstar students who are truly amaze me with their motivation and independence
- The Alps
- A few colleagues who have been truly understanding and supportive
- Beautiful mountains and hills
- Delicious Vietnamese and Thai food
- Hope
- A healthy physical body that can run
- Sunshine
- Water you can drink from the tap
- Coffee
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