August: Processing/Reflecting part I

So here I am. Peace and Plenty. Computer in hand. Without a time limit or a pressing schedule or people to meet or things to do. Just here. And for that I thank you. It’s like the sweetness of milk after years of dry dust, like the moment of rest for the soul that has never ceased to be in rush. My praying legs are shaky and my reading eyes faulty, my sensing soul is weak and my feelings numb and crawling for life.

Jesus, it has been too long. And I was in denial about this, that this culture shock is real, and when I didn’t feel it after a month, I thought I had outwitted it, kicked it in the tail, that I was stronger than that. But that reality is not fact. I’m weak, just like the next one, and the struggle is real and has hit me to the point that I would become numb if I didn’t take time to process and think, time to be alone and realize how I’m different.

I don’t want to walk away from this experience unchanged. I want to take it all in, to see all that I saw and allow it to wash over me and expose that which has been hidden under the dirt my past has caked me with.

Literally around the world and back, this has been a sweet yet incredibly hard time. Feeling like I’ve slid backwards, squandered an opportunity to grow and see a fuller life. But it was so hard. First the whole working thing where I was only on campus select few days and working and living with judy. It was hard to readjust to the things that I saw, the people that began to drift away and the things I never had the chance to say. It was a challenge to be an outsider, working in the real world, not knowing how to relate to my coworkers who talk about blow jobs and drinking like Olivetians do Jesus and God. How do I love these people? How do I relate? How do I remind myself of the truths that they crudely mock every day? I can’t imitate what I’ve seen because it isn’t relevant to the scene. The intimation of how ridiculous Christian looks weighs down on me like a millstone tied around my neck. My empathy drags me down if there’s no one there to remind me of what I know to be the truth. And that exposure was just the beginning.

Then from beggars I went to the Appalachian trail.  A whole subculture in itself. A world secluded from everyone else. A place where those who are lost seek to be found, those with no plan begin building themselves from the ground up, seeking adventures and pushing themselves to see what their bodies can stand up against. These people bond together over doing this trail, closer than brothers they walk from sun up till sundown. Carrying everything they currently own on their backs they invent a new life for this time, name and all, and enjoy this surreal world out of the reach of time. I didn’t meet a single Christian, but people were searching. What exactly they hoped to find, I’m not sure, but when they bad-talk Christians I found it hard to find my tongue, because on many things, I happened to agree. But I’m afraid I wasted many chances to say something full of grace. I didn’t know what to do, if it’d be better to stay quiet or to speak out even though I don’t really have a clue how to share something that I spend a lot of my time convincing myself that it is true.

And with my brother and the others, it was hard to stand my ground. That sense of adventure and aimless wandering, being a vagabond without a home kind of appeals to me, yet in a way I find it very pointless and empty. But does everything have to have a point? Some of them seem so happy doing that with their lives, wandering the trail in solidarity.

While I enjoyed the hike, mostly because the government shut down and we were playing cat and mice, I don’t think I would love to spend days on weeks on months hiking the trails. I’m glad I did and I’d do it again, but unless with the right people, I think I would resent it in the end.

I learned about community, about bonding, about solidarity. About taking life as it comes and enjoying things as they are, about getting lost in nature and allowing it to mark you with it’s beauty and depth. I learned about survival and corruption, about the importance of a foods texture. I saw how quickly people in those situations open up and seek to fit together, but not as they were in the real world, but as the pieces that make up the puzzle of the wilderness: whoever they want to be or become.

Step back.

Just take a step back and remember.

Remember life.

Remember simplicity.

Remember beauty.

Stop and take a step back.

Let yourself breathe.

And allow yourself to be moved by what you see.

The demands of existence crash over you,

Tossing you too and fro, every which way the wind may blow.

But you’ve got to fight back.

Resisting the constant attack of distraction. Or empty fullness. Or faux life.

Stop and take a step back.

There is life to be lived in the midst of the kingdom coming,

But when we can only see the darkness closing in,

Hope retreats and we’re left in hopeless wallowing.

The presence of darkness threatens your termination,

Swallowing life and ushering in discouragement.

But call for it’s extermination.

An obligatory evacuation.

It has no place here.

For there is no one as lucky or free as you.

No one as lucky or free.

You walk confidently in the mystery of existence, of thriving.

This life is full of beauty and truth,

But when we close our eyes, of course we see nothing but dark sludge caking every beautiful thing.

So open them.

Take a step back.

And allow your eyes to adjust.

To see the beauty radiating beneath the musty layer of grime.

To see that the darkness could never control the light.

There is only one hope, and as distant as it sounds,

That is utter and total dependence on Christ.

Life Spoken By Marie

For Laurel
There is beauty bound up in your hands
In your heart
You must let it break free or you will not live
And like the alabaster jar
Broken and bleeding
Yielding and reeling
From the weight and the gravity of it all
The brevity of it all
You will fall and be beautiful
And broken and free
And find release.
My dear.
My friend.
There is peace and joy in the letting go
It is not wasteful to fall
Nor is it promiscuous to love loudly
It is not a mistake to be empty and shattered
Scattered across the floor
You are sweet and not simple
You choose the better thing
If you do it will not be taken
And like the sirens calling out
Your soul and its fragrance will bind the hearts of men
Will draw them and lead them to another sort of end
Capture by love.

This ones for Dad

This ones for Dad.
Well, it's been quite a trip, and the funny thing is that it isn't over yet.
The adventures have just begun, but 6 months of travel has proved to be fun.
An emotional roller coaster at times, with tears of hurt and of joy, new friends, new family, new discoveries, a mountain learned, what more can I ask for?
Studying in another country, learning to see the world as they see, laughing at myself as I fight to master the language, seeing beautiful things and things that bring tears to my eyes
Soccer finals and archuitecture class, turning in my portfolio, taking more finals and hoping I pass, there's always something new to be learned, but I was a little disappointed with the amount I didn't learn in the classroom of the university. But since the world is my classroom, I thank God for the lessons he taught me through the most unexpected means.
Baking cookies with my host mom, eating ice cream with my host sisters, going out with my American classmates, spending time with my Costa Rican friends, sad that this time was coming to an end, but another adventure was immediately to follow, and to the DR I went, to see what would follow.
Filled with ups and downs, tears and laughter, smiles and frowns. Learning to love and appreciate those different from me, hurting with those who hurt, and living in solidarity. Becoming angry with the poverty, frustrated with the reality that my friends here live in, yet thankful for the love they poured out on me and the way they taught me what it means to live selflessly.
Meeting new friends, hard conversations, new experiences, all this is coming to a close as I leave the Dominican Republic this week. But that's not the end of the adventures in Latin America, the adventure continues. So I will relish this moment yet walk forward into the next, learning from each step and growing by the grace of God as he reveals life's depths.

More to come, but Dad asked, so I summarized.

Taught by a fairy tale

Who knew that a Medieval story could hold such truth. Now, there are a few things that I understand differently than the story states, but it tells some beautiful truths. And in light of Truth, the real Truth of the universe, everything is seen with a brighter and more beautiful clarity.
More thoughts to come

The Knight in Rusty Armor

Lemonade

Some would say “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade,” but I’ve learned to say “When life tells you you gotta leave the country, go climb a mountain and swim with the creatures of the ocean.” And that’s what we did.

Countries have this inconvenient rule that after x number of months, you must leave the country and reenter. And that time approached much quicker than I would have liked. So, having no choice, a few friends and I set off for Panama to have an adventure. Almost 3 days without sleep, but we did it. We hiked the tallest mountain (which is actually a volcano) in Panama and reached the peak just in time to see the sunrise. And as if that wasn’t enough, we hopped on over to Bocas Del Torro to keep hopping from island to island. Snorkeling and swimming, walking and exploring. But in both places, the new friends we made made the trip. From all over the world, hearing stories and being amazed by the sweet surprises we encountered. So a trip to renew the visa proved to be pretty darn chiva.

 In case you were wondering, the top of the highest mountain in Panama is FREEZING before the sun comes up.

The view. The sun. The ocean of clouds. Wow.

Bocas Del Torro.

Una Mirada Atras

Walking forward.

Stepping out.

It’s through these things you discover what life’s all about.

Asking questions.

Learning to laugh at yourself.

This is the road to life, and I must say, a hard yet beautiful route.

The world is big,

And the possibilities bigger.

But you’ll kill yourself if you try to figure it all out, attempting to eliminate any possibility of doubt.

Learning to live in the mystery,

Embracing life for what it is.

Humbly pursuing the truth that may seem hidden through the times of seemingly paralyzing darkness.

Seeing that all people long to be included,

We all long to be invited in,

We search for love-and it’s the same no matter what country you reside in.

From living at Peace and Plenty with Judy by the river,

To waitressing to backpacking a part of the AT.

From China, my life in Beijing, to time with my sister in the DR.

From Costa Rican college, staying near and travelling far.

Next back to the DR and who knows what’s to come,

But each place, each journey, each step has taught me something.

Something about myself, about God, about faith, about people and cultures and how they all relate.

But who am I kidding, I still have SO much to learn and so much to grow in.

Also, spiritually, it’s pretty tough, but those beautiful moments shared between people prove there’s hope and Life and reality in the midst of all the questioning.

So I will continue to walk forward in this sojourn called life,

Whether I’m a foreign land or at Olivet living the campus life.

Through this distinct time in my short life, I’ve begun to see life through new (still developing) eyes.

Life is my teacher.

And the world is my classroom.

Situations are my tests and experiences the lessons.

The map is my lesson plan and my senses are my tools.

The mixture of solitude and adventure is the environment when this school’s in session.

The friends I meet become my classmates and I learn with and from them.

I learn about myself. I see a bit more of my ugly heart, a few more of my dreams, pet peeves are revealed as I begin to understand on a deeper level how I tick.

I learn about decisions, how I struggle to make them, and the consequences that follow the direction I pick.

I learn how people are people wherever you may be yet how they do differ from place to place, and you must learn to see how cultures are unique.

And I learn that by humbling yourself you can increase understanding, with every single day.

So whether from country to country or class to casa, I’m learning to walk forward, with nothing to lose and nothing to prove, embracing the moment and finding rest in the beauty of seeking the Truth.

Lucky and Free.

I’m learning to be satisfied with the measure I’m granted every day of my life.

I’ve been learning to reach out and grasp all the life that flies by me even as it goes past. There’s no one as lucky and free as me, no one as lucky and free.

Hope.

A reason to carry on.

A reason to keep going when the going gets hard.

When the tears run down your cheeks and you can’t seem to find the friendship or love you seek,

There’s something that keeps you going,

a deep force that won’t let you give up,

a light that illuminates the darkness and reveals something profound and breathtakingly raw.

Hope.

When everything seems to slip through your fingers

And you’re drowning in the ocean of self-pity

There’s something that keeps you from giving up.

There must be a brighter side.

There must be a fuller life.

Why else would you push through.

Why else would you do what you do.

Hope.

Some say that it is hope of success.

Hope of improvement.

Hope of love.

But I daresay that it must be hope of something much bigger for it to be so strong.

For it to cause the drunk man to become sober,

For the impoverished to keep trying

For those who’ve lost everything to keep breathing.

Hope that transforms lives.

Hope that elicits tears yet dries them at the same time.

Hope that heals.

Hope that reveals.

Hope that drives.

Hope that keeps us alive.

Hope that there may be something deeper and more beautiful.

Hope that we may find Life.