The end of silence?

Six months of silence. Six months of only scattered showers of self-expression, which was then kept just between myself and my dying Mac.  Six months of running too fast for my thoughts to catch up, believing I have nothing worthwhile to say. Pushing away the sparks of ideas that quickly pass through my consciousness, just asking to be elaborated on.  Six months of trying to make things happen, rushing to and fro, fretting about how slow or nonexistent my income is. Half a year. It doesn’t seem possible, but it is. And now that my fingers are gracing the keys once again, my heart realizes what I’ve been missing out on. The things that have been swimming around are becoming clearer, the definition sharper, the threat smaller. So here we go again. Yet another cycle of silence has hopefully come to an end.

False dichotomy

I admit it. And if you know me you probably already know it. I used to idolize the “spiritual,” disregarding everything that is “natural.” In my mind there was a false dichotomy that controlled my priorities and caused me to feel guilty for doing something that gave simple joy to me. I used to think the only way to truly serve God was in another country, in a place where you’re uncomfortable and must trust him to see. You must give up all and move across the sea. But as I’ve grown, as I’ve taken part in the distant unknown, my eyes are being opened to the fact that it’s not about how far you go, not even how uncomfortable you are. For the Lord uses our gifts and passions to bring us near to those who otherwise wouldn’t know what a Christian is. As we delight in him, he gives us the desires of our heart, not because he’s a celestial vending machine, but because delight in him means dependence, and dependence means growing a heart similar to that of Christ. Our desires become his and we begin to see with his eyes those who I’d otherwise overlook due to my dichotomic pride.

As I’ve lived abroad for some time in order to love, serve, and grow, I’ve gained great respect for those who stay at home, for those who work in a company or in an office answering phones. Those people have great courage, the Christians that are there, for they have an opportunity I would never have to get to know their co-workers and bond on a level I couldn’t dare to imagine.

I used to think because I liked making music but followed Christ, I would have to give it up and focus on the “important things” and pay the price. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. Musicians have a sphere of influence with other musicians. Dancers, even break dancers, with other dancers, accountants with the office, mothers with their children and other mothers around. Students with their classmates and teachers, restaurant workers with their guests.

Who am I to say that one profession is more spiritual, “better” than the rest? No, instead I’m beginning to see the beauty in living fully were you are. Could God call any one of us to give up all and follow him somewhere unknown? Yes. Does he use those who have gone across the sea? Yes. But does that mean that they are more “holy,” more “spiritual” than the rest? No. For it’s not a test.

There is no dichotomy. Instead we are made one. Heaven and Earth united through a small child. And now we can fully be ourselves in Him. Whether it be a missionary or one who checks people out at the local store, we serve the same God. And that God isn’t limited to what our minds conceive.

He’s given us passions. He’s given us talents. He’s given us dreams and desires. And he uses those things to love his people and change the world.

Jesus was a refugee

A place of refuge for the pilgrim. A place of safety and acceptance to the refugee. A place that welcomes all and seeks understanding, surpassing the standard society sets for civility and showering all with grace and love. Ushering in a kingdom of Peace that does not write anyone off because of their background. That does not demand an answer to every question and require conformity to a societal norm. A place where effort is made to learn their language. Where time is spent helping with the littlest of things. A place where a new face is immediately invited to lunch, while not neglecting the familiar faces as not in need of our love.

Jesus was a refugee. His family sought asylum for his sake. They depended on the kindness of a country and culture different from their own. Jesus’s life was saved because of the acceptance his family found in this new land.

May we live that out in our world today.

Count it all as loss.

Looking back at where I’ve been, I can’t help but be filled with a strong and deep thankfulness. I’ve lived a pretty good life thus far, been blessed with more that I ever asked for.

I find myself at times getting stuck in the rut that I need to do and see more, and other times in the pit that fills with viscous self-pity when I can’t get my eyes off poor old me.

But I’ve been so undeservingly blessed in the places I’ve gone and the people I’ve met. I grew up in a house of broken people, but not a broken family. I never really knew my grandparents, but I have two parents who love me. I was encouraged by them throughout my childhood years, given opportunities to explore passions and overcome fears as I stepped into the unknown. I received a good education where I was safe both inside and out of the classroom. I had many dear friends who walked beside me. I got to run with a team and learn from those around me. I graduated at the top of my class and had many opportunities to study wherever I wanted to study. I graduated college with no student debt, finishing in 3 years and getting to study abroad at that. I have traveled to many countries, getting a tiny glimpse into other cultures and peoples, serving and exploring, learning and growing in perspective each time I left my country. I’ve gotten to travel by plane more times than I can count, ate more types of food than I can count, gotten to explore new places more times than I can count. I’ve had a brother who constantly encourages me, friends who have gone before and can speak life into me, and have learned so much about God, the world, and myself.

Yes, there have been hard times, mental struggles, and disappointments in my life, but I often forget how good I have it. Maybe the deeper struggle is yet to come, and I pray this time is preparing me to come out of it stronger and deeper than I could ever imagine.

But what I so often fail to see I have caught a glimpse of now: how undeservingly I have been blessed. Yet I count it all as loss….

Sight.

I find I often search for Him in big things. I wait for powerful experiences that move me. I pray for the eyes to see but then I have selective vision that only looks for what it expects to see. Yet I know He’s not only in the extravagance. He’s not only in the grandiose. He’s in the mundane. In the day to day. The simple and ordinary. He’s ever present there, yet I miss it because I’m looking elsewhere.

So now I surrender my eyes to see, to see where He is and will be. Not only to where I perceive He should be.

In the bright yellow leaves littering the ground, the trees a flame bursting with color all around. In the bottom of a coffee cup, in the dreaded room and kitchen clean up. He’s in the words I type, in the brutally honest prayers I write. He’s in the preparing of food, in the decorating of a room. He’s in the sleep I fall into at night and the beautiful morning filled with bright sunlight. He’s in the struggle; He’s in the pain. He’s in the loss and He’s in the gain. He sees and cares more than I know and He’s revealing himself even now. He’s not playing a game of hide and seek, that although I search I can never see. He’s not a grand mystery that keeps his distance, but One who is ever present in everything. Of course there are things I don’t understand about him, times I question his unfair plans. Many times I feel like I’ve gone blind, that I can’t see or feel no matter how hard I try to find. But it seems every so often he reminds me that he’s not in the feelings I long to have, but He’s present right in front of me.

Again, like the words of a friend, I’m beginning to see him in the end of a cigarette. Present in this coffee shop in which I sit, in the conversation, the brokenness, and the search for meaning in life’s long transit from beginning to end.

He’s in the struggle and triumph of community, He’s in the mundane, the things right in front of me that I can hardly see.