Learning to Swim and to Fly.

Over this past year there has been a theme of walking forward. Of coming empty to the present moment so that you can receive all that it has to offer. Not living in a land of would have/should have/could have, but instead embracing what is. Not crushing the present with false perception and expectation, but having eyes to see the beauty that this moment contains.

Since arriving in Costa Rica, it has been a constant fight to breathe in an ocean of “what if’s,” struggling to see the splendor of what is. With questions plaguing my mind, from the shallowness of the location I’m in and the program I chose to the depth of Truth and reality and if they can be known, I have found in that sea of “what if’s” is a good way to grow cold and lifeless.

There is such magnificence enveloping me in the stunning place of rich experiences and raw beauty, but I cannot receive them when I’m looking backwards, the “what if” parasite robbing me of fullness of Life. I cannot change the past, but I can learn from it and use it to advise those in the future who may encounter those same its. But I cannot go backwards in time, so today I will choose to walk forward, embracing the present in this life that is mine. I will recognize that there could have been a better decision, for nearly everything, but I cannot live the perfect life, so I can either wallow in the strife of regret or I can recognize it and chose to kill the shameless beast of regret with the knife that is the Life and Light of men. The God who offers Life to all who come to him, fullness of joy and true rest in the midst of struggling.

This is an experience that will never be repeated, so I have a choice to let the hypothetical rob me of that joy or to humble myself and open my eyes to the beauty of reality of unimaginable size.  So as I walk forward I will encounter the beauty of this country. I will learn immensely from each person I meet, presently surprised by their amiability. I will see around me both new things and old and I will walk forward in expectation of the Life that this adventure will hold.

            Yesterday I was drowning in a sea of regret, but today I’m learning both to swim and to fly, gaining a new and magnificent perspective of both what’s under the sea and the beauty I can see from the sky. This “what if” beast lost its grip on me as soon as I broke it’s gaze and turned the other way, and began to walk forward. I’m not saying it will be easy, but will say that it will be worth it. So today I will not drown, my lungs will not collapse, but I will walk into Costa Rica and soak in all that it has.

Dancing.

Dancing. Shutting the door, playing the music, and letting go. Caught in this intellectual trap, in order to survive I must remember to open the cage I so often lock myself in and experience the sacredness of life. Of dancing. Of sitting in a field. Of eating ice cream in the back of a pick up truck. I cannot live in this cage I’ve built for myself. I will suffocate and the life will soon be choked out of me by the thing’s I’ve brought into this den with me. So I must remember to break free and see the beauty of both the intellect and the freedom of just living. Living life. Thank you Travis for teaching me what it means to dance, and Elizabeth for dancing with me. Biking to the market or just drinking tea. Thank you Janelle for pulling me out of the pit and reminding me of what it means to have fun. Thank you Jordy for bathing me in the beauty of art and music, of paint and photography, of real beauty and honesty. Thank you Kait for restoring the joy of hospitality, the depth of love. Thank you Ren for truly showing me what it means to love selflessly, for adventuring into the unknown with me. Thank you Stefan for exemplifying what it means to lead humbly, to listen and love real-ly. Thank you Lizzy for the refreshing reality of the sweetness of your spirit. Thank you Sarah for your deep gentleness and strength to ask what most won’t. Thank you Erin for humbling me by the vastness of your humility. Thank you Kaley for your childlike faith to do and love that so encourages me when I overthink and overanalyze everything. Thank you Natalie for your quiet yet ever so strong conviction to that which is True. Thank you Tyler for your sheer depth and desire for genuinity, for listening with patience, gentleness and grace. Thank you Preston for being a man of integrity, one who challenges me on what I think and responds ever increasingly graciously. Thank you Marie for the magnitude of your faith and the way you define beauty. Thank you Aden for speaking life over and over and allowing me to ask. Thank you Paul for allowing me to watch you grow, for how you know not a stranger. Thank you Justin for teaching me what it means to accept everyone as they are, without crushing them with the pressure of expectation, what it means to love in a different way. Thank you Kimberly for teaching me how one who thinks differently can still lead so strongly, for the reality of loyalty. Also for the inspiration of your sheer smartness.  Thank you Austin for loving nature, for being redeeming what a man is. Kyle for music, for honesty, for thinking differently and not settling for what someone may tell you is reality. Thank you Chandler for the way you love people, purely and deeply, wanting Life for them yet not confusing fancy words with the hope of reality. Thank you Zack for struggling with me, for not giving up, for the Truth you inspire me to keep seeking. Thank you Maggie for purity, for a heart captivated by God and a soul that belongs to him. Thank you Kara for your dedication and realness. Thank you Drew for your humble inquiry and ears that hear. Thank you Lamar for an “unchristianized” life that pours forth rawness. Thank you mother for giving up so much for me, for wanting so deeply to love us well and giving so much of yourself. Thank you dad for the beauty of watching you grow in humility and courage as you lead our family.

There are so many more who I’m thankful for, and with time, I will put those thanks into words, but for now, I say thank you.

Dancing.

Dancing. Shutting the door, playing the music, and letting go. Caught in this intellectual trap, in order to survive I must remember to open the cage I so often lock myself in and experience the sacredness of life. Of dancing. Of sitting in a field. Of eating ice cream in the back of a pick up truck. I cannot live in this cage I’ve built for myself. I will suffocate and the life will soon be choked out of me by the thing’s I’ve brought into this den with me. So I must remember to break free and see the beauty of both the intellect and the freedom of just living. Living life. Thank you Travis for teaching me what it means to dance, and Elizabeth for dancing with me. Biking to the market or just drinking tea. Thank you Janelle for pulling me out of the pit and reminding me of what it means to have fun. Thank you Jordy for bathing me in the beauty of art and music, of paint and photography, of real beauty and honesty. Thank you Kait for restoring the joy of hospitality, the depth of love. Thank you Ren for truly showing me what it means to love selflessly, for adventuring into the unknown with me. Thank you Stefan for exemplifying what it means to lead humbly, to listen and love real-ly. Thank you Lizzy for the refreshing reality of the sweetness of your spirit. Thank you Sarah for your deep gentleness and strength to ask what most won’t. Thank you Erin for humbling me by the vastness of your humility. Thank you Kaley for your childlike faith to do and love that so encourages me when I overthink and overanalyze everything. Thank you Natalie for your quiet yet ever so strong conviction to that which is True. Thank you Tyler for your sheer depth and desire for genuinity, for listening with patience, gentleness and grace. Thank you Preston for being a man of integrity, one who challenges me on what I think and responds ever increasingly graciously. Thank you Marie for the magnitude of your faith and the way you define beauty. Thank you Aden for speaking life over and over and allowing me to ask. Thank you Paul for allowing me to watch you grow, for how you know not a stranger. Thank you Justin for teaching me what it means to accept everyone as they are, without crushing them with the pressure of expectation, what it means to love in a different way. Thank you Kimberly for teaching me how one who thinks differently can still lead so strongly, for the reality of loyalty. Also for the inspiration of your sheer smartness.  Thank you Austin for loving nature, for being redeeming what a man is. Kyle for music, for honesty, for thinking differently and not settling for what someone may tell you is reality. Thank you Chandler for the way you love people, purely and deeply, wanting Life for them yet not confusing fancy words with the hope of reality. Thank you Zack for struggling with me, for not giving up, for the Truth you inspire me to keep seeking. Thank you Maggie for purity, for a heart captivated by God and a soul that belongs to him. Thank you Kara for your dedication and realness. Thank you Drew for your humble inquiry and ears that hear. Thank you Lamar for an “unchristianized” life that pours forth rawness. Thank you mother for giving up so much for me, for wanting so deeply to love us well and giving so much of yourself. Thank you dad for the beauty of watching you grow in humility and courage as you lead our family.

There are so many more who I’m thankful for, and with time, I will put those thanks into words, but for now, I say thank you.

Last month's struggle

How do I walk through the oppressive darkness without being overtaken by it. How do I look upon the decay without becoming discouraged. The only words that come to mind are paralyzed and sucked dry. It seems everyone around me is falling apart and I have no words of life to speak nor even a solid foundation from which to speak them. Yes, there is solidarity between us, but it’s hard. I can’t fix their struggles as much as I’m helpless to fix mine.

The motivation is skewed, the emotion gone. But was it ever there to be missed?

Yes I can look back and see how this struggle has been present for years and years, but is that supposed to dry up this endless flow of tears? No, to me that’s just even more paralyzing. Hopelessness sets in and I struggle to even breathe.

How can I breathe life into anyone when I can’t even fill my lungs so life can pulse through my body.

I believe I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord. Be strong, let your heart take courage, and wait for the Lord.

Maybe it’s in this vulnerable state that I’m stripped of all I once leaned on and I’m coming face to face with the reality of me. The reality of this world and the brokenness that so grossly characterizes it. It’s in this being laid bare that I must face the ugliness of the self and the depressing state of the world. And therein I’m faced with a choice. I can wallow in the sad state of reality, sinking into a deeper and deeper depression, or I can step out in hope, embracing the possibility that there’s more. That things are being and will be restored.

Can one in the pit covered in sludge really help those with him out? Entangled with the web of chaos can he really help free those next to him who are begging to be released from it’s grasp? Does he have the ability or power to loose the chains of doubt from his neighbor? Can the one in the cave really see to lead the way out to the warmth of the sunshine of reality? If he’s never been out himself? Of if he was he was blindfolded? 

I can ask and ask, but talk is cheap. I must walk forward or take a seat. Is this hopelessness all there is? Or is there something greater. A man called Hope. One who came to redeem. One known in English by the name of Jesus.

Walking Forward

What a week. From the Ohio to Chicago to the DR to Florida to Costa Rica. So many friends, old and new, so many things to see and even more things to do (and some of which I don’t really want to).  All this going has grown in me a deeeeep appreciation for rest, for knowing what lies ahead, for being still and in one place long enough to get bored. But seeing as this is not quite possible, I will choose to walk forward and embrace the present, ready to receive what it holds.

It’s amazing the people you meet when you walk forward. It’s incredible the things you experience as you come empty, ready to receive that which is for just that, what it is, not what it should be. 

Spending time with my sister, the brilliant Kimberly, who many love and aspires to be. I’ve learned so much from her deep loyalty and conviction for what she believes to be reality. Such influence she holds, and such love for those she calls friends. Her intelligence is incredible and her potential unimaginable. What life we experienced together, even for those short days. I’m not sure if she’d say the same, but I’m thankful to have gotten to be a part of her last days there.

Then off to Santo Domingo where I wasn’t really sure what was going on or where I was staying, but again, there was provision. After meeting the nice young couple in front of me with their son, I waited for quite some time for the man with the sign that Maria said would come. It wasn’t exactly my name and there was another name I did not know, so I hesitated to go up to this stranger. But after he called for me on the pager I realized this must be him and so this kind man drove me to the hotel that’s Maria’s family owns. Moreno took care of me and gave me the key to a room where I could stay for free. Maria’s mom called to make sure I got there safely and all was taken care of. After a nice rest I called Evalina and she ended up coming to meet me. After walking up and down Zona Colonial and seeing all the new things to see I resolved to watch a man paint an incredibly beautiful scene with unbelievable ease. The painting drew me in and I just watched, feeling something move deep within. His strokes were effortless and the results faultless, oh how I would love to be a painter.

But then I saw Evalina! And her husband and his son, and she invited me to stay with her and she would drive me to the airport the next day for my flight. Seeing as I didn’t know how I would get there otherwise, I agreed graciously and we called Maria to get everything straightened out. After hearing about Christianity in the DR and eating wonderful DR food, we talked more and Maria came and joined us. So good to see her as well, what fun we’ll have in April. We had an adventure at Yogun Fruz where the guy working there was very interested that I was American and talked to us most of the time we were there. Then he walked us home to make sure we got there safe and soon after Maria left.

I woke up pretty late and enjoyed another great meal, almost didn’t make it to the airport, but everything worked out and I made my flight. Sat next to Miguel who got a little plane sick but was quite nice and had cornrowed hair. And beside him was Figue, who’s a minor league ball player. And what a nice guy he was. Helped me beat the system and bypass paying for my huge backpack. We tag teamed watching our luggage and he even bought food from the majorly overpriced food shack. Our conversation was real and it was sweet to talk about something deeper than surface and hear another perspective and life experience, for it’s those conversations that heal.

After he left I still had several hours and proceeded to meet 3 travelers from America, raft guides, who were headed to CR to party hard. Quite interesting fellows, the kind that don’t know a stranger but can make anyone feel welcome.

Finally our flight left and I got to San Jose around 2:30, but had to wait there till 9 for someone to come get me. I attempted to sleep outside at the gate but after a while a nice fellow told me I could wait inside where it was warmer and there were more people. So I found a spot in the corner and attempted to get comfortable and tried to sleep a few hours. I was partially successful, but the constant noise of the travelers and stamping of the exit taxes made it difficult. When I awoke there was a kind older man sitting next to me who proceeded to ask me questions and say quite a few profound things. He was very genuine and very encouraging. Maybe his writing club will fly me to Canada to speak…wouldn’t that be a treat!

Finally I went down to wait for my ride and there were quite a few young Americans. I figured they were ISA but I couldn’t be sure, so I just waited and fought to keep my eyes open. They were, indeed, all ISA and we drove to the office where the families we’d stay with came to receive us. Mama Tica came to get me and has proven to be quite fun. After unpacking and sleeping Kelly finally arrived and we talked and ate and went to the “Christmas fair”, filled with rides and small coasters, food everywhere, so much to see and take in. I am surprised at how much I understand, but I am constantly humbled by what I don’t. I hope I don’t spend all my time with Americans, but I don’t want to write off time with them and bypass life and fun by wistful thinking. But what to ticos do for fun? Party and dance? Where will I fit into all this? How will things unfold? I guess time will tell. I look forward to meeting people who share similar beliefs and values and experiencing life as they do, but part of me is scared that that life will be incredibly boring. I’m seeing pulls to things I never though I would because my bubble is being shattered and I’m seeing how much bigger it all is. But alas, in the eye of the storm there is such peace.

I don’t pretend to understand it all, and I am constantly asking for humility, but I will walk forward in expectancy. I pray this disconnect between life and faith is erased and all is united once again. With no idea what this semester will look like with all the time it looks like we’ll have and all the people I could meet and befriend, so many choices and options, I will walk forward. Part of me is still looking back, thinking maybe studying elsewhere would have been better, but it’s too late for that. So I will walk forward. Part of me wishes I had someone who knew me on this trip with me, but that did not happen. Yet. So I will walk forward. Part of me just wants to sit and read, being a recluse and bypassing adventures to sleep. But that’s too easy. So I will walk forward. Not alone. Never alone. “My soul clings to you, your right hand upholds me.” I will walk forward.