A letter to myself: 2013

 Laurel,

You are not Kait.

You are not K.T.

You are not Jasmine.

You are Laurel. Created uniquely. You have a unique perspective of the world. But you are not always right. You have much to learn. You can learn so much from those around you. You need not be them, but humble yourself and learn from them. 

Celebrate with their victories. Rejoice over their joys. Hurt with them in their trials and pains. 

You have been freed by love and are now free to love.

Humble yourself. Embrace each moment for what it is, not what it could or should or would be. Live in unity, motivated and characterized by selfless, pure love. Be real, be honest, be vulnerable, but be free to be yourself in it. 

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What a night, when I can just let go of this fight that's constantly raging within me and rest in the beauty of this moment. It's in these times when I can truly own this freedom that's promised in Christ. So often I challenge everything that's thrown my way, never accepting anything at face value, but seeking the deeper truth behind the presented rule of thumb. Thinking is good, but I've found that so often it makes me numb to the beauty that's surrounding me every moment of every day. 

They call it getting lost in thought for a reason, for you miss out on so much of the life of the here and now when you are on that walk among the grounds of intellect, trying to make sense of each facet of each details. I'm afraid I'm afraid of finding my way back from this jaunt cause I've been lost for so long. Yet my heart longs to sing a different song. 

One of beauty, embracing each moment for what it is, one that can go with the flow, one that's not afraid to love or the the joy found in embracing the tension that seems so present. Accepting it for what it is, not what I perceive would make logical sense. Freed to enjoy every aspect of life, living in unity, holistically living fully. Yet not compromising my intellectual integrity. 

You gave me intellect, a mind that thinks critically, but why? I can't yet see how these wrestlings end in your glory. I yearn for all of these blocks to build into a magnificent edifice that is completed by the breakthroughs of intimacy, a releasing of the mystic in me that is rooted in a common orthodoxy. 

Let the floodgates burst open and let blind eyes see, let the waters of love drown me in a faith and a belief so beautiful that I can't control its depth or power, an amazing grace that takes the place of all my questions and doubting. 

Am I afraid of the quiet place cause of what I may find? A brokenness and wreckage of a life that's bitterly mine? Why can't my mind believe in the sheer beauty of complete vulnerability. Why do I bottle up what's inside as if trying in pride to hide who I really am. 

Oh, the freedom of true humility that releases expectation and lets my broken self be broken, resting in the hope of redemption that fully sees me and knows me in my depravity. 

Yet what amazing grace that still loves a wretch like me. I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not. I don't have to suffocate behind this stuffy façade anymore. But true humility enables me to lay my weapons down, not looking around at who to impress, but willingly offering you the real me, brokenness complete, not hiding my sin but owning its reality, yet embracing the forgiveness that envelops me in Christ. 

These things are so easy to write down, yet there's a disconnect about the whole thing. I can speak it all day, but to live it is astoundingly difficult.

Anyway, all that to say, it's been a good day of work and play where I can see the gorgeous people around me, yet in all honesty, this park is kind of creepy at night. I might have to agree with Alex Supertramp, that happiness is only real when shared.