A Mish Mesh of thoughts.

Oh the sights you see and the people you meet. From pollution filled Beijing to the calm yet uncertain terrain of WoLong, if you’re open to see it, it’s amazing what you’ll learn. I admit, this has been a struggle for me, but already, I can see how my perspective is changing. Being across the world reminds me of sitting in the valley of the Grand Canyon. Or sitting under the vast array of stars in my own backyard. Or at the edge of a great lake at the base of the snow-covered Tetons. Or even here in Sichuan, where the huge peaks completely envelop WoLong. They all have one thing in common. They all make you feel small. And the things you once thought to be so important seem to fade into nothingness. Entering into a new place, with new people, regardless of the location, opens your eyes to how giant your ego is and how self consumed you can be. There are so many people. Just like me. But slightly different in the way they live. They way they see and relate to the world. Some have been around the world and back several times. Others have never left their village, like here is WoLong. But outside of the comfortable place I call home where most everyone is on the same page, I’m faced with a world that is so much bigger than I ever imagined. More people than I could ever fathom.
Yet I’ve realized that I can learn from all of them. I admit that in a way, I’m afraid of talking about anything “real” for fear of resentment or misunderstanding due to the barrier that language poses. But what constitutes as “real”? Why am I creating a divide between the “secular” and the “spiritual”?
I would be lying if I said the questions have left and I have it all figured out and I know how to live out this gospel. The questions still flood in, the thoughts swirl, and I feel like I’m swimming in a pool of uncertainty, but I’m not drowning because my feet are standing on something solid. So I will continue to swim.

I’m realizing that I can try and try to embody this ideal being that I have conceived in my mind, but I will never get there. I can strive and fail and cry, but I will never be this figment of my imagination. But there’s something else I’ve realized as well. Why am I trying to be someone I’m not. To fill in a figure I cannot physically fill. Yet there is such freedom and beauty in being empty. In letting go of what I perceive I should be and recognizing my own lack, my own fallacies, and laying even those down. Becoming completely empty. So that by the grace of God I can be filled with the Truth, Grace and Love of reality. Through that grace and by that love, I can then love. And that’s where I am. Learning what it means to love. And I really am not sure how.
So maybe this circle of sense and rationale I knew as Christianity and reality is, in fact, a bit bigger than It seemed to be. And what freedom to walk in that and breathe the fresh air of the Kingdom of God. I’m still unsure of what that means, but I will walk forward, and I pray I have eyes to see, hands to receive, and a self to experience that reality.

It’s such a different way of life here. In Beijing everything is always moving, people everywhere and not a green thing around. But in WoLong, the people are few and strong, most from Tibetan origin, having never left the village since they’ve been alive. To make matters worse, what was once a booming tourist attraction for the pandas sake, is now almost inaccessible due to the 2008 earthquake. People are so friendly, but I still wish I could communicate. The landscape is stunning and you don’t have to look far to see cattle, goats, sheep, or yaks running around grazing throughout the countryside.